Keep on keeping on
It seems that moving forward in life is something I seriously want a good amount of approval for. Like one therapist said to me once “Mark, you need a whole world..” I don’t know if this is just my nature or how I was raised in terms of the aspects of consideration that were asked of me. I don’t know. But I have to move forward in life and in my efforts to do so, I’ve torn myself apart to try and understand why I can’t seem to imagine what to do. I seem to lose that which I was considering before as well. Maybe it’s not all that big of consideration after all. Maybe it’s just kind of a sad and not so special move forward. Maybe I’m not the hero of my life but maybe just someone who “keeps on keeping on.”
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You made me smile with the "you need a whole world" comment. : )
I view life as a story. Each day is a page in a chapter in what is very lengthy read. We get to choose the plot. While we can't always anticipate the plot twists (mental and physical illness, loss, trauma, etc.), we get to decide how we respond to them. Paraphrasing Charles Dickens (in "David Copperfield"), whether we turn out to be the heroes of our own lives is shown in the pages that we write.
Being the hero can be hard. Some days, it would be nice to be a supporting character and let someone else be the hero for a change! Personally, I think you're doing a good job of being the hero of your story. You're navigating the plot twists, while living mindfully, being respectful of others, and embracing differences. You practice humility and gratitude and charity. You share your story with others, so they might learn from your triumphs and mistakes. These are all characteristics of heroes, at least in the books that I've read. : )
It would be great to see you move forward and find the community and/or partnership that you are longing for. What better place to be a hero than among other heroes, either through volunteering in your community (as you have) or someday, when the time is right, moving to the monastery. I look forward to seeing you take steps in that direction, while being kind to yourself on the days when it's hard to put one foot in front of the other. Hugs.
thank you so much judy! you are the kindest!