keep flares out of the public eye......

nothing worse than trying to operate in the public eye durign a flare.  feel so wonky and then there's that pesky brain fog interrupting and disrupting your every thought and action.

just now i cleaned off the stovetop and then did a slow deliberate spin ...why?  to the best of my knowledge it's because i didn't know what my next move was to be after i started to turn...........since i didn't know if i was headed left or right or ??? i completed the spin in slow motion, then oddly enough i spun one more time.  no clue, just did it, then stood still and thought take a chair little lady.  sit and figure it out......breathe.

i went to the appt yesterday, thought i was meeting with a dietician/nutritionist type situation.  uh um no......the location (nearest to me) where i had the appt doesn't offer those options just yet, you have to go to a different location for that type of help.  somehow either i or they or we confused things and sigh, that was a problem and i felt so low and frustrated.

(this also led my thinking that i should pay this location for a service they don't have, i get that i had an appt but with nobody they have there to help me...... in the end i won, but seriously why did they think i should pay for what they don't have????)

they say they will have it at this close to me location in the next 2 - 3 months........communication is key.  the other location is so far  out of my comfort zone that it is not helpful to me at this time.  struggling.

from there i went back to the little clinic......my sinuses hurt so bad that it caused a very sore throat......the drainage ramped up and hurt the most on the left side.  somehow i must have said something that triggered the nurse practioner because she suddenly began asking me a lot of personal questions in rapid succession, "do you live alone?"  "do you have family near by"  "do you have a church family"  "what church do you attend?"  "how long have you attended?"......when i mentioned that we were getting a new pastor she asked "why does your church change pastors so often?"  ( i never said the church did......but whatever.)  "do you have help at home?"  "do you this and do you that?".......this didn't feel comfortable, as soon as i started to ask one question she was on to the next.........somehow i think this is tied in to the fact that she so recently treated me for the last sinus infection in mid May, May 16th.

then she fussed at me because i didn't think i had taken all the over the counter coricidin in the box......i said when did you tell me or write it down that i was to take all ten doses of that medicine?  i thought it was a take as needed medicine, and the one you sent me home with was for a cough and congestion (she personally pulled it off the shelf and handed it to me) ---- i didn't have a cough or congestion...........i have some confusion in some ways, but in others not at all.........after all these questions she suddenly stopped asking ---- i thought to what end was she peppering me with questions, was she interested for a fleeting minute or two?  was she testing me to see if i was stable, balanced? ok on my own perhaps?  does she do this often and just as suddenly as she runs into the middle lane of one's life does she normally just as suddenly step back out leaving a body confused and feelilng slightly violated?

as i drove home i felt mixed up and kind of hurt.......i try to have a thicker skin knowing that most people don't know what is going on with people like us.......but this felt like a real intrusion, not quite appropriate.  not that she said things at all but more the way she asked me this series of questions and i have to wonder to what end?  is she just a nosy parker in the moment with no real regard for me, more of a momentary buttinsky?  then she dismisses you and she's on to the next.....>?  i don't know it made me uncomfortable and i need to let it go. 

when i got home the directions for one of the meds made no sense.......the bottle's instructions were how to apply this topically.......but she told me i was supposed to gargle it and spit it out........the longer written directions told me to use the exact amount as prescribed, there was nothing saying what amount to use......it went on to say you must use a special medicine spoon to do this properly......i have no special measuring medicine spoon, no one said anything about that.........good grief.

so of course they are closed and the pharmacy people are not understanding what i am asking at first.......the first lady says i need to apply it to my skin.........i say it's a sore throat, not an external issue.....it's internal.  i need to gargle it or swish it but not rub it anywhere.......starts to feel like the twilight zone for the second time of the day.........keep flaring self out of the public.  their inefficiency mixed with my medical mess feels AWFUL overall.  just awful.

this leads to a second discussion with another pharmacist and jeez.   in the end it was decided that i should measure out one teaspoon of the stuff, put it in my mouth, take a swig of water, swish, semi gargle and spit.  this led to numb lips, and a generally numb throat.......think this could  have also been accomplished by buying a container of sucrets or that spray stuff that also numbs and for a lot cheaper......but hey i'm just a nobody patient. what do i know..........?

so now that i've groused i am thinking i should make breakfast.  i did manage to change the litter box, add dishes to the dishwasher......i'm so tired.  so bloody tired.......when i move my head dizziness ensues.  maybe an orange and some flavored water will do for now........then back to bed.  it's too hard to explain the wonkiness operation of a sparrow to the outside world,  i want to stay inside awhile.  not like it's a choice exactly but it certainly feels like a necessity.  later you, later me.  hugs!