Just woke up
I just woke up. Well, I woke up a few hours ago because my sister was very loud this morning and I'm sleeping on the living room couch. I just officially stopped trying to sleep anymore.
Immediately upon waking up I feel sad. I guess you would call it depressed. I hate to use that word. When people here the word "depression" they act like it means that you have no reason to be sad. I have a reason to be sad but everyone wants me to be okay anyhow.
I'm not okay. I'm in a completely powerless position. I know that I got myself here. That my behavior has led to this consequence. It doesn't make it any easier to accept.
I love my husband very much. I know that he also loves me. He is very hurt too. His way of dealing with the hurt is to hide from it. He isn't the only one who does that. Most people do I think. They throw themselves into work, into friends, into whatever activities they think will take their mind off of the pain. They numb it whatever way that they can.
I've always had to feel like I'm doing something. Right now I feel like I'm wasting so much time. I'm just sitting here in my mothers living room. I want to be back home in New York City. I want to be with my husband and in my own apartment and I want to work on fixing my marriage but he isn't ready to do that.
I can't stop thinking about him I can't stop wanting him to hold me. I can't stop thinking about all of the happy times and wishing for them again.
There are things that I know that I have to get used to. I've never been comfortable or liked the fact that he wanted to be a doctor. I of course understand why he likes it and enjoys it. What I don't understand is how I am supposed to deal with being second place.
He finally admitted it to me, for the first time in his life, that I can never come before his job. I just want him to love me. I just want him to nee me. Why? Why can't he? Why doesn't he? I just don't know and it makes me so sad.
He doesn't believe that there is any hope left for us. It devastates me to hear him say that. I don't know how to cope with it. I don't know how to move forward.
My friend Vicki has offered me a place to stay with her on Long Island until I can figure things out. I don't want to be on Long Island I want to be at home with my husband. That is what I want and what I need.
I can't move on. I can't move forward. I am stuck in this position of being sad and lonely and depressed until he makes up his mind. I want to go home. and I can't. And it's my fault and I know it and I just can't get rid of it.
I can't get rid of any of these feelings. No matter what I do I just don't feel better. Writing helps a little bit for a little while but it doesn't alleviate the feelings.
I just want to go home and for things to go back to the way they were before. Not recently, not even a year ago. I miss him so much. I just miss him. I want him so badly. I need him so badly. I also want and need to be needed.
Immediately upon waking up I feel sad. I guess you would call it depressed. I hate to use that word. When people here the word "depression" they act like it means that you have no reason to be sad. I have a reason to be sad but everyone wants me to be okay anyhow.
I'm not okay. I'm in a completely powerless position. I know that I got myself here. That my behavior has led to this consequence. It doesn't make it any easier to accept.
I love my husband very much. I know that he also loves me. He is very hurt too. His way of dealing with the hurt is to hide from it. He isn't the only one who does that. Most people do I think. They throw themselves into work, into friends, into whatever activities they think will take their mind off of the pain. They numb it whatever way that they can.
I've always had to feel like I'm doing something. Right now I feel like I'm wasting so much time. I'm just sitting here in my mothers living room. I want to be back home in New York City. I want to be with my husband and in my own apartment and I want to work on fixing my marriage but he isn't ready to do that.
I can't stop thinking about him I can't stop wanting him to hold me. I can't stop thinking about all of the happy times and wishing for them again.
There are things that I know that I have to get used to. I've never been comfortable or liked the fact that he wanted to be a doctor. I of course understand why he likes it and enjoys it. What I don't understand is how I am supposed to deal with being second place.
He finally admitted it to me, for the first time in his life, that I can never come before his job. I just want him to love me. I just want him to nee me. Why? Why can't he? Why doesn't he? I just don't know and it makes me so sad.
He doesn't believe that there is any hope left for us. It devastates me to hear him say that. I don't know how to cope with it. I don't know how to move forward.
My friend Vicki has offered me a place to stay with her on Long Island until I can figure things out. I don't want to be on Long Island I want to be at home with my husband. That is what I want and what I need.
I can't move on. I can't move forward. I am stuck in this position of being sad and lonely and depressed until he makes up his mind. I want to go home. and I can't. And it's my fault and I know it and I just can't get rid of it.
I can't get rid of any of these feelings. No matter what I do I just don't feel better. Writing helps a little bit for a little while but it doesn't alleviate the feelings.
I just want to go home and for things to go back to the way they were before. Not recently, not even a year ago. I miss him so much. I just miss him. I want him so badly. I need him so badly. I also want and need to be needed.
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