Just when I thought I was fine...

Have you ever had that person that you thought was going to be there? The friend that had seen those deep dark places you hide from others, but they were still there.  The one that stayed up through the rough nights to make sure you made it through, the one that let you say what you needed to but then would pull you back to reality if they had to without any judgements, the one that was always on your side because often times you weren’t. The friend that had said “I’m here for you.”

Then one day they weren’t.

All those conversations, the jokes, the advice, the dumb comments.. none of it mattered anymore because of a stupid mistake.  One that shouldn’t have happened, but it did. One that wasn’t anyone’s fault, but it hurt the most. After that it didn’t matter what had happened in the past except that one thing. And that one thing just ruined everything, because what was there was not as strong as I had believed. Well, it was on my end. Obviously, I was the one mistaken, the one in denial, the one who didn’t really know what was going on. 

High school was a rough time. I was not the best at making friends, but I had a few.  My sophomore-senior year I found myself at the mixed company table. You know, there were the athletic tables, annoying pretty girl tables, nerd table, band geek table, trouble maker table.. And our group was the misfit table. We didn’t really fit in any of them and managed to find each other. It was fun. We had the two football players, the two deaf girls, the two mexicans, the two white guys, and the two white girls (for some reason we had a thing for 2s...). It was great. We joked, told stories, vented about school, it was just all around a good break from the hell that was high school. 

Me and Dalton though... we hit it off. And not in the romantic way, just the same sense of humor, same kind of upbringing, we got along way. We texted here and there for a while and then it really turned into a good friendship. We both were usually working on some kind of creative project so getting the others opinion always happened. We both taught each other a lot of things from the other perspective and it was nice just having that friend I knew I could call if I needed someone to kick a guy’s ass for me (not that I couldn’t handle it, but it’s nice to have backup). Between our junior and senior year a childhood friend of mine committed suicide and it hit me a lot harder than a lot of people realized. In all honesty no one realized. But he did. I doubted a lot of things in my life, mainly in God. Because of those doubts I was worried to talk about it to my Christian friends because I was very worried of being judged. I was able to talk through a lot of things just to try and cope with it all and it was nice having him there to bounce things off of. Hearing things from his point of view (which was different from mine) really helped. And I was able to say what I needed to, to try and understand what I was feeling about everything.

Eventually we both got into pretty serious relationships and would still talk on occasion. By college I was back to being single and it took awhile but I eventually was okay with it. I had tried dating some but never really was all that into it, so I learned how to be happy being single. And I was. I was trying to figure out what I was going to do with my life and what was after college and things were going good.

Then, the mistake. I was house sitting for some friends for a week or so my sophomore year just like I had many times before. Dalton had come over a few times and we’d drink and watch movies and it was great just hanging out. This time though.. I had gotten a text he was at a party that took a turn and he needed a place to crash cause going home wasn’t an option. Of course I said, yes. I didn’t want him somewhere he could get in trouble or him ending up somewhere he didn’t need to be. He’d brought a bottle of Bacardi and it was just like any other time. We got drunk, watched a scary movie, but then we were so drunk we ended up sleeping together. The next morning when we’d sobered up we realized what had happened the guilt was immediate because he was still with his high school girlfriend.

Long story short... he told her, she got pissed, she blamed me, she yelled at me for awhile, he told her to back off, no more friendship. Now I don’t know what exactly he told her, but from what she told me either she didn’t understand.. or he lied about a few details.

That should have been the end. But it destroyed how I saw myself. I went from someone who was gaining her confidence she never had, to someone who had lost her best friend out of nowhere and felt so guilty about everything. During the morning after conversation the question of why came up. I didn’t have an answer because in all honesty I don’t remember much of anything. His answer “I guess Drunk me was curious. You’re like the only girl friend I’ve ever had I’ve never done anything and I dunno that must’ve been a reason.” I became the girl he slept with because he was curious. My self esteem was destroyed. I saw no self worth. 

Fast forward through the next year, I ended up with a boyfriend who used me for sex. I didn’t want him to leave, so I had sex with him when he wanted. He ended things. 6 months later I get the “I miss you. I shouldn’t have ended things, give me another chance.” Me, still not totally back together does but I told myself things would be different. They were not. He pushed for us to be physical so much I couldn’t take. And I learned he lied to be through the entire first relationship. He had a bet with hisfriends that they wouldn’t date for that year and he wanted to win said bet and date me. That ended not as quickly as it should but I stopped things soon after.

And now we’re to the present. Dalton and I don’t talk. I got an apology email (yes email) from him like right at a year after everything happened. Said he really needed to apologize, that the way everything happened wasn’t right and he was sorry. I accepted the apology, but never told him it was okay. Every now and then we run into each other and sometimes he attempts to make small talk. And for awhile I played along, thinking maybe we can go back to being friends, maybe eventually things will go back to way back when. But that’s foolish thinking. I’ve come to the conclusion he talks to me to make himself feel better about the situation. He might, he might not but it doesn’t matter. After those little small talks nothing changes. Because for weeks after there will be no acknowledgement.

Tonight, he decided to talk to me, ask how I’ve been. I wanted to deck him. I wanted to tell him off, let him know it took me too long to realize I was worth something. But I didn’t. I told him I was fine, and he could walk away now. He stood there a few more seconds after saying okay. I said “Bye, walk away now.” Everything in me broke, because in that moment I realized I had accepted that friend I had, that person that was always going to be there wasn’t him.  That person was gone. And the only way I was going to not be the girl he slept with because he was curious, was to tell him he could walk away now. 

He broke me. Correction, He had broken me. I was someone who saw nothing in myself, I had no self worth. But he didn’t see that, he wasn’t there for that girl. He wasn’t the friend i needed then. And that means he doesn’t get to see the badass, mother fucking woman I have become. He doesn’t get to be apart of that story. He doesn’t deserve that, because I deserve more than a friend who slept with me because of curiousity. I don’t need a part time friend.