Just want to sleep all day
Today is close to being over I guess? But it's been hard. Just feeling really out of it while my brain is trying to be very aware of everything around me. Then a few hours ago i started really remembering some stuff from when I was younger. Not anything new I've always remembered it but some days it hits harder than usual.
So I really just want to lay in bed and hide all day and not exist. Just feel kind of scared and away from everyone else. I'm glad I at least wasn't angry today but I just want to feel better again. I know I will eventually though.
I just now ate some kind of real food (not really it was only Mcdonalds but whatever) I just didnt want to let myself eat all day and I don't know why. I guess I just really don't want to do anything but lay around. Also I am really sad that we didn't get pizza I've been wanting it for a long time. I almost cried when my mom said she didn't get it which is dumb but I've just been looking forward to it.
Even eating McDonald's brought back memories from childhood. Not bad memories at all but I don't want to remember anything from then right now. I already feel small and dumb I don't want to be brought back to that time even more.
I always feel weird remembering this kind of stuff. It is not as bad as what other people have gone through at all. So many people have had much worse lives I feel like I shouldn't even talk about it i dont want to take up space. Though everyone is affected differently by this kind of stuff so I have every right to be upset, I don't always believe that.
I guess all in all, I am just very tired and weak today. Also having body pains since yesterday or the day before which sucks. I can't tell if the weakness is from mental health declining or some kind of physical problem. So I have been worried about my health all day today.
My cousins are coming tomorrow and I am not ready for that. I've been either crying or just staring into space all day I don't think I'll feel any better tomorrow. They are only staying a few days but I still just want to be alone.
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Is it ironic that sleeping too much makes us even sleepier? The aches and pains of inactive muscles from all the extra sleep seem rather predictable, but for some reason, the increased sleepiness always surprises me.
Mental and physical health are so integrated that I don't even try to separate them. It is something like separating my computer's keyboard from its hard drive. One doesn't get you far without the other.. Improving the performance of one improves the entire system.
When I find myself wallowing in that or any other pitt of despair, I typically have to nudge myself out of the hole. An object (me) at rest wants to stay at rest. It takes a little extra force to get that object moving. Emphasis on "little." Beating myself up over ^it^ has yet to help. Self-flagellating always seems to morph into another excuse to stay in bed. Being gentle with myself and patient with the process has been allot more effective in my personal herstory.
Success is getting what you want. Happiness is wanting what you get. ~Anon
When I find myself wanting to succeed at sinking further into one of my pits of despair, I try to shift the focus toward the happiness of wanting/appreciating what I get. Are your cousins so awful that there is nothing about them worthy of appreciation? Just wondering. . . It remains yours to sort.
Thanks arfie, sleeping too much definitely puts me in pain and over all makes me feel pretty crumby. I can't even take naps as they throw off my whole day.
I'm gonna be honest there was a time where I was okay at being gentle with myself but I think I've lost whatever made me be able to do that. I'm not sure how to be gentle with myself anymore most of the time all I can focus on is just getting through the day.
Also my cousins are really awesome! I know I always say stuff about not wanting them to come over but that is because it is a bit draining to have people stay with us like every week. I love them I grew up with them but since I've gotten older and mental health has declined, sometimes i just want to be alone because when people are around it is harder to take care of myself as we usually end up with very little food when they are here and there's no space to relax outside of my room.
Being gentle with myself is quite far from letting myself wallow in my misery. What's gentle or compassionate about wallowing in misery? The gentle part comes when I am climbing out of the wallowing pit. It isn't realistic to expect myself to spring out of my personal pity party ready to be the perky belle of the ball or Mother Teresa, ready to save the world. Pushing myself too hard often causes me to slide back in, but allowing myself to be content in my misery isn't an option, either.
I'm glad to hear your cousins are really awesome. I couldn't resist a chuckle over how often my mental health issues have caused me to villanize awesome people. For what its worth, appreciation exercises are among the gentle tools I have used to nudge myself out of my wallowing pits. Awesome people whom I have been villanizing are especially good sources/targets for appreciation exercises. Nudge, nudge. . . Easy does it. Itsy bitsy baby steps.
It matters not how fast you go. It matters only that you do not stop. ~Chinese proverb
I always have trouble slowly coming out of bad times. I try my best to shove myself into the happy normal me. But I just don't fit there yet so I fall back down. Thats what ive been struggling with lately. I don't know when I will get back to normal again and how I'm supposed to know when I can try to be my usual self without making this worse.
I think I do that as well. My anxiety just makes everyone seem scary and all I want to do is get away from them. They are only staying til Sunday so I will try to make the most of their visit.
Also you always seem to have some kind of good quote on hand. I wonder if you have a book of them or something haha
Is it a blessing that I started life from such a dismal place that I never had any desire to return to my old normal? Perhaps it would be better to call that, "A silver lining." Whatever the ever of that what, nudging myself out of my misery pits is easier for the looser expectations. I don't have a desirable old normal to get back to, so it is easier to keep the focus on working with whatever is available today. It's okay if I grow a new normal-for-me in the process. Growth is good.
I have several quotable quote books, and a library of other books, as well. Now to find the editor.s, publishers and discipline to ply ass to chair for rewrites, etc., 8 hours a day.. Those pesky details. . .