Just want to punch BP in the noise!

I just want to punch BP in the noise.  Cause the disease some pain.  Make is suffer as it has made my husband and me suffer!
I'm so mad and tired!  BP has taken a good man, good husband, and turned him into someone he was never meant to be.  He wants to work, but can't.  Despite all our efforts so far to get the meds figured out, we still don't know what is going to happen day to day.  Will he sleep, will it be restorative?  Will he swing towards depression or mania?  Will we be able to get things turned around before he is in a full blown episode?  Who will I return to?  Will he be angry?  Is the anger due to the bp directly or is it frustration at not being able to control what is happening to him?
He yelled at the cat last night in a way that I've never seen before.  Normally, I'm never worried that he will hurt me, himself, or cat, but last night I was worried.  How do you explain to a cat what is happening or that it would be better if she avoided my husband for a while? 
I don't know how to act anymore.  One minute he is angry, stand-offish, brooding.  The next he is wanting physical contact.  I love my husband, but I find it hard to change my level of intimacy at the drop of a hat.  We've had that conversation.  My husband understands, but yet we seem to always end back up in this place.  This miserable place.
If I could just find something that would knock the bp on its ass--just for a while.  It is so hard not to take my frustration with the bp out on my husband sometimes.  It is hard not to return ugliness for ugliness.  Especially when I'm tired. 
I am tired. Heartbroken. Afraid. Angry.