Just Want Help
I hate that the weekend is over. I never feel like I have enough time with the people I love to try and heal. I wish that I could take time off, even if it was just a day, but with temping if you don't work you don't get paid.
I am very frustrated today. I am feeling very alone and desperate. My husband recieved some discouraging health news last week and it has just been an added weight. He has been supportive to a point, but after all these weeks and months I think he has had enough. I understand that men and women grieve differently, but he seems to not really have dealt with it at all. I wish he would talk about it with me, perhaps for selfish reasons. He says he doesn't see a reason to discuss it, that it's over and there is nothing we did to cause it, but that there is also nothing we can do to change it. He lost it over the weekend over his health frustrations, he said that I need to get "better" soon because he needs me to be strong for him in this time. I didn't know what to say. . . I don't want to be unsupportive, but I feel a little betrayed that he wants me to be more supportive of him when I really feel his support of me waning. I also feel like screaming how I wish I felt better, and that I want to feel better I just don't know how. I feel like I need to hide how I feel from him now or at least lessen my sadness around him so I am not so much of a burden.
I contacted 3 different support groups in my area last week. I am really frustrated with the responses I received, only 1 group called me back. They took my info and said that a phone counselor would contact me sometime this week. I am annoyed, scared, and frustrated that I have to wait. Sometimes I feel completely at the end of my rope, that quite literally one more thing would send me over the edge to the bad place. I wish that I didn't have to wait, I wish that I could just call someone and make an appointment right now. It sucks sooooo bad to not have insurance right now. I know that I could pay out of pocket, but I know that kind of thing is very expensive, and we don't really have that kind of money to spend. I am also worried that even if I did pay the money, that it would never be covered if I ever do get insurance; that it would be a pre-existing condition.
I just can not explain in words how much I NEED to feel better. I can not carry this weight with me all the time. I am so deperately afraid of losing myself in this; of losing myself to this. I know that I am in need of help to get past this, but where do I look to find it?
I am very frustrated today. I am feeling very alone and desperate. My husband recieved some discouraging health news last week and it has just been an added weight. He has been supportive to a point, but after all these weeks and months I think he has had enough. I understand that men and women grieve differently, but he seems to not really have dealt with it at all. I wish he would talk about it with me, perhaps for selfish reasons. He says he doesn't see a reason to discuss it, that it's over and there is nothing we did to cause it, but that there is also nothing we can do to change it. He lost it over the weekend over his health frustrations, he said that I need to get "better" soon because he needs me to be strong for him in this time. I didn't know what to say. . . I don't want to be unsupportive, but I feel a little betrayed that he wants me to be more supportive of him when I really feel his support of me waning. I also feel like screaming how I wish I felt better, and that I want to feel better I just don't know how. I feel like I need to hide how I feel from him now or at least lessen my sadness around him so I am not so much of a burden.
I contacted 3 different support groups in my area last week. I am really frustrated with the responses I received, only 1 group called me back. They took my info and said that a phone counselor would contact me sometime this week. I am annoyed, scared, and frustrated that I have to wait. Sometimes I feel completely at the end of my rope, that quite literally one more thing would send me over the edge to the bad place. I wish that I didn't have to wait, I wish that I could just call someone and make an appointment right now. It sucks sooooo bad to not have insurance right now. I know that I could pay out of pocket, but I know that kind of thing is very expensive, and we don't really have that kind of money to spend. I am also worried that even if I did pay the money, that it would never be covered if I ever do get insurance; that it would be a pre-existing condition.
I just can not explain in words how much I NEED to feel better. I can not carry this weight with me all the time. I am so deperately afraid of losing myself in this; of losing myself to this. I know that I am in need of help to get past this, but where do I look to find it?
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