Just venting a little bit out.

Maybe I do this to myself on an unconscious level. I was fine today, really tired, but I was ok. Then after talking to her I feel so unimprotant, so insignificant. I honestly dont know if I believe that she still loves me like she said. So much of me wants to say fuck it and end our relationship, I've done it before and I felt amazing after a few days. I've gotten myself into something very dark, something very dangerous and I love it.
Its the feeling of the andrenlien flowing through my veins is like molten lava, the racing of my heart pumps me up, and the racing of my mind is amazing. But at the same time its my most dire secret, especially now. It is about what I imagined, but I never expected it so soon. 
Maybe joining the marines in a few years and making a carerr wont be so bad for me. After what Im going through, after what I'm putting myself through I want to be ice cold. And I'm thinking the military is the fair choice to persue that. This is just a rant, I hope that in the next few days I will feel different, but maybe I wont and it will be good for me. Maybe this is me freeing myself from my mind