just touching base with you all
Hello lovely friends. What a long time since I updated here. I so miss you all, and it's only lethargy that's stopped me posting, I guess. Lethargy, and guests after guests after guests this summer, that is....
Well, somehow, I find myself past the one year anniversary of D's death, and it still feels like it was yesterday. And yet....I think the dreading of the day was worse than the day itself. I felt just lost for the week leading up to it, stuck in replaying the week before his death last year. It was so utterly awful for D, as he fought to stay here, and in the end, when he finally slipped away, it was, if I'm honest, a blessing in its way. That's not easy to admit.
On Monday I went early to the cemetery, and took an armful of cream and lilac flowers. So peaceful up there, though I got bitten by ants while I was sitting there, so that stopped me being maudlin for too long! I then asked our two specially good friends (and partners in music) here, to come to our home and have breakfast for lunch....D absolutely adored breakfast, and everything that went with it, and would have eaten "breakfast stuff" for every meal if he could. So we listened to Spanish guitar, and had eggs and mushrooms and croissants and good strong coffee (we're all coffee snobs now, because of D), cried a bit, and then went for a good long walk. Wine in the evening, and a shared meal, and memories, and some of the games that we all used to have so much fun playing. There's still a massive massive hole in our midst, and beside me most of all, but it was bearable, and planning every inch of the day helped I think.
And in some ways now there's a sort of relief, in that I can't keep playing the "this time last year" game, though I suspect it might be all too easy to succumb to "this time two years ago".....
Oh I miss you my darling D, every minute of every day, and I don't like the world without you in it. But I CAN get up in the morning, and make plans, and stick on my smile, and pretend, pretend, pretend, until one day maybe I won't need to pretend anymore.
Well, somehow, I find myself past the one year anniversary of D's death, and it still feels like it was yesterday. And yet....I think the dreading of the day was worse than the day itself. I felt just lost for the week leading up to it, stuck in replaying the week before his death last year. It was so utterly awful for D, as he fought to stay here, and in the end, when he finally slipped away, it was, if I'm honest, a blessing in its way. That's not easy to admit.
On Monday I went early to the cemetery, and took an armful of cream and lilac flowers. So peaceful up there, though I got bitten by ants while I was sitting there, so that stopped me being maudlin for too long! I then asked our two specially good friends (and partners in music) here, to come to our home and have breakfast for lunch....D absolutely adored breakfast, and everything that went with it, and would have eaten "breakfast stuff" for every meal if he could. So we listened to Spanish guitar, and had eggs and mushrooms and croissants and good strong coffee (we're all coffee snobs now, because of D), cried a bit, and then went for a good long walk. Wine in the evening, and a shared meal, and memories, and some of the games that we all used to have so much fun playing. There's still a massive massive hole in our midst, and beside me most of all, but it was bearable, and planning every inch of the day helped I think.
And in some ways now there's a sort of relief, in that I can't keep playing the "this time last year" game, though I suspect it might be all too easy to succumb to "this time two years ago".....
Oh I miss you my darling D, every minute of every day, and I don't like the world without you in it. But I CAN get up in the morning, and make plans, and stick on my smile, and pretend, pretend, pretend, until one day maybe I won't need to pretend anymore.
Replies
Dear Meriel,
The first year I was in a daze and I gather that you probably have been as well for most of the year. I recall re-living each month, week, day and hour until M\'s passing that first year. When the day came, I was sad and numb, feeling quite empty, but like you, I planned to be with family and friends so I wouldn\'t be alone. Now, on the anniversary date, I want to be alone to honor his memory and the memories I had with him. It does get easier in that the memories of our loss gets balanced with the memories of a life lived.
Thanks for checking in and letting us know how you are doing. I have thought of you often and am hoping and praying that you will find your way to the new life you must live. I believe our husbands would want us to live fully. Take care, Love, Linda
Hello Sweet One,
So good hearing from you. I\'ve missed you so much, Honey.
The lovely breakfast, music, and games sounds like exactly what D would have wanted for you. I can only imagine how much you miss your precious husband. Like Linda said so well, he would want you to live and enjoy life.
Thank you for being such a special inspiration for me and many others. Please stay in touch.
I love you,
Ingrid
Lots of thanks to both. And yes, a daze is about right I think Linda. Ah well. One step in front of the other and moving onwards.....
love you both x x x
Dearest Meriel,
Thank you so much for checking in. I think of you often with hopes that you are slowly inching ahead. That first year is so hard with all the \"firsts\" a continual reminder.
I\'m so glad that you could spend your day with special friends who loved D. and that you could share memories. D would be so proud of you, dear Meriel. Please drop by every so often. I miss you, too.
Much love
Angel xxx
My dear Meriel,
So glad you took some time to check in here! Have missed the give and take we all used to have. But time marches on, life goes on - for good or for ill - and we continue to live the best we can. What choice do we have? Like you said, I have said often, I do not like the world without Tommy in it. And what Linda said is true too - as time goes on the bad and sad memories somehow begin to even out with the memories of life well lived, love freely given, and the wonderful times we were so privileged to share. It gets a tiny bit easier, but it will never be EASY. Spending time with friends and family and seeming to enjoy it, while on the inside still hurting, actually does ease into reality rather than pretense as time goes on. But we who loved so much, will probably never be completely free of the ache and the missing.
Take care, stay strong.
Love, Gloria