just to let go
I did write a long detailed entry the other night. However, with one stupid move, it was all erased. maybe for a reason, I don't know. tried to revive it, but was gone
Anyways, it was a bad day. A bad, manic low day as I tend to call them. I told H that night how after me thinking about it for the last two weeks, talking to my new therapist about it, and she agreed...that we need space. I need space. Since we cannot do it now, we need to do separate sleeping quarters. His therapist I know begs to differ. He feels that we need to spend more time together. I need time to think. To focus on ME for once. I cannot support him anymore. I cannot support his needs, wants, desires. It has to be about me right now. This thinking made me realize and wonder if I am a codependent. I always put him in front of me. I did whatever to make him happy, make his life easier. And, what did I get out of it? I became lost in this relationship. I was rejected, abandoned, forgotten about, and ignored. When it comes down to it, this crisis, only then does he realize what he has....but, what if it's too late? I feel so numb right now. I don't want to try . I don't want go through this cycle again. I've already opened up, forgave him, moved on. Only to find out I forgave him while he was still acting out. Still deceiving, still lying, still giving into his urges. Selfish urges. He pushed me out of his mind. Out of his body. He used his body to be with other women. they may have been only in his head, but he used his own body to be with them. I cannot compare nor compete to what he's seen, lusted, desired, sought over. I will NOT either. I'm not sure why he's fighting on so hard to what we were. What he now realizes we/I were/was. It's not there anymore. He's holding onto the ghost of us. That has died. He hasn't accepted the fact that we need to start over. we need to build from the ground up. we cannot do so while living the way we were before "we died". I need space to think, to sort out, to figure out what I want, to miss him, to realize I would be worse off without him. Nothing has changed between us in that our routine's the same. He is trying to help more with the household, but I needed this before I discovered his PA. I'm not sure where to go with all of this. I feel like I'm stuck in pergatory.
and, on top of this, I've been wanting to turn to god more. yet, I feel weird about it. Strange things have been happening here, only started when I started becoming depressed last spring/summer. Now, Brian claims that when I wasn't home, still in daylight, something pulled his shoulder back so much it pulled his arm back. He said he saw a figure with blonde hair (which I have). There's been too many incidences going on, and I feel that it's because of me. I've let something in my life once again. He says to ignore it, as it feeds off our energy, yet I cannot. It will not stop if I ignore it. the only way to rid it is to heal myself and shut that door. I know. I've been through this before too many times.
so, I'm looking for guidance, for acceptance. I don't know which way to turn. I cannot forgive him for what he's done, not now, not anytime soon. I need him now more than ever, yet I am disgusted by what he's done to me, to us. It has destroyed us. That part is over, and I need to start greiving. He needs to let go too.
Anyways, it was a bad day. A bad, manic low day as I tend to call them. I told H that night how after me thinking about it for the last two weeks, talking to my new therapist about it, and she agreed...that we need space. I need space. Since we cannot do it now, we need to do separate sleeping quarters. His therapist I know begs to differ. He feels that we need to spend more time together. I need time to think. To focus on ME for once. I cannot support him anymore. I cannot support his needs, wants, desires. It has to be about me right now. This thinking made me realize and wonder if I am a codependent. I always put him in front of me. I did whatever to make him happy, make his life easier. And, what did I get out of it? I became lost in this relationship. I was rejected, abandoned, forgotten about, and ignored. When it comes down to it, this crisis, only then does he realize what he has....but, what if it's too late? I feel so numb right now. I don't want to try . I don't want go through this cycle again. I've already opened up, forgave him, moved on. Only to find out I forgave him while he was still acting out. Still deceiving, still lying, still giving into his urges. Selfish urges. He pushed me out of his mind. Out of his body. He used his body to be with other women. they may have been only in his head, but he used his own body to be with them. I cannot compare nor compete to what he's seen, lusted, desired, sought over. I will NOT either. I'm not sure why he's fighting on so hard to what we were. What he now realizes we/I were/was. It's not there anymore. He's holding onto the ghost of us. That has died. He hasn't accepted the fact that we need to start over. we need to build from the ground up. we cannot do so while living the way we were before "we died". I need space to think, to sort out, to figure out what I want, to miss him, to realize I would be worse off without him. Nothing has changed between us in that our routine's the same. He is trying to help more with the household, but I needed this before I discovered his PA. I'm not sure where to go with all of this. I feel like I'm stuck in pergatory.
and, on top of this, I've been wanting to turn to god more. yet, I feel weird about it. Strange things have been happening here, only started when I started becoming depressed last spring/summer. Now, Brian claims that when I wasn't home, still in daylight, something pulled his shoulder back so much it pulled his arm back. He said he saw a figure with blonde hair (which I have). There's been too many incidences going on, and I feel that it's because of me. I've let something in my life once again. He says to ignore it, as it feeds off our energy, yet I cannot. It will not stop if I ignore it. the only way to rid it is to heal myself and shut that door. I know. I've been through this before too many times.
so, I'm looking for guidance, for acceptance. I don't know which way to turn. I cannot forgive him for what he's done, not now, not anytime soon. I need him now more than ever, yet I am disgusted by what he's done to me, to us. It has destroyed us. That part is over, and I need to start greiving. He needs to let go too.
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