Just Tired
Surely this has been said before, but I just want to fall asleep and never wake up. I asked myself if there was anything worth waking up for and nothing came up. Why should I wake up? I'm alone day after day. I'm too scared to make art. I'm too scared to love my pets. I'm too scared to have fun but also too scared to work. And really, it does feel like nobody cares. Best friends who suddenly stop texting me for weeks. People who I knew no longer bothering with me. My parents being their normal selves. Right now, it really does feel like no one cares. I have my peers and my parents, and the whole lot of them don't understand. The whole thing overshadowed in a haze of dissociation and being tired tired tired day after fucking day. I'm sorry for swearing but there is just no other way for me to say it. I'm starting to have sleeping problems again where I just lie awake for hours in a haze before snapping out of it and realizing it's 5. I have to do this. Have to get good grades, have to volunteer, have to take summer classes, have to improve my art. But this stupid day after day-alone-busy routine is getting to me. I'm tired. I'm afraid of the silence. I sing to break it and hurt my voice. I sing the same songs over and over and my voice hurts so much but I can't stop. It's so distracting too, I can't really concentrate on work like that. From outside the walls of the house, I feel everyone judging me. Like one of those magic tricks where someones in a box and they stab the box with a bunch of swords, then- poof - the guy's not in there anymore! Except for me, I'm stuck in the box, waiting, dodging, petrified of being impaled and being impaled again and again. I'm starting to lose hope in my bright future. I need therapy. I need people who I can talk to. I need someone who can just listen without judging me and care- and actually care enough to check in on me every once in a while and do activities and maybe draw with me. I want to inspire and be inspired. I want to know how it is to love and to be loved, to trust and to be trusted. I just want people. I just want answers.
I'm trying so hard to keep this up. Maybe it's time for a change.
Replies
Hey, lovely. I'm sorry I'm so late in getting to this. I have been pretty ill. My gosh, I hear you! I remember once being very excited for a surgery because I was going to get to sleep. It sounded heavenly. And yeah, I have had the feeling that I don't see the point in waking up again. This crushing fatigue can be so difficult. Just breathe for a moment and say, "Just for this moment, I have nothing I have to do. Just for this moment, I am allowed to just breathe and exist and that's all I have to do." I know the responsibilities await, but taking that moment apart can help. Please, talk to someone about the dissociation. It's a mess. You really don't want that continuing on. The famous football player, Herschel Walker has Dissociative Identity Disorder. He really explains well what happens when you don't get the dissociation under control. Not that you are at that point, but still, it's something to watch. Love you.
I know how u feel, Ive been wanting to sleep this whole week, I even had a dream I asked my dr to put me in an induced coma for 2 weeks- and I got to see it- me hooked up to iv etc, and then when they woke me up my body was so weak from not moving for so long, I just wanted to go back to sleep. Art. Design. I have several sketched projects I have yet to create, Im lacking in inspiration...Ive lost my connection to nature, Ive lost my ability to heal the animals, I just buried 2 of my rescues in one week. Im completely wiped out, and I cant do it anymore..sorry this comment is rather depressing, just wanted u to know u are not alone, and although this moment sucks..I pray for it to pass soon...xoxooox