just thoughts
I am having some difficulty right now. I guess it's because I am home alone and watching TV.
The person inside me thinks this downtime and unstructured time sitting in front of the television is and will be comforting, restful and satisfying but it kind of isn't - and so my mind is churning ideas now.. Did the dishes, watered the plants - now I am trying to understand something I noticed earlier today. I don't know if I should write about it -
But here goes. I found myself doing my work today at the office - and it was hard for me to know what I was doing was right or correct or the best way to do it. Anyways - I thought about something I observed. Is there a way to do something that is in a mindful way without our personal filter? So I thought about that - and made room for some of my personal vantage on things - rather than feel the pressure - and disruption - that somewhere out there is a way to do things that is an 'objective' way to do my task. I kind of got in touch with my personal feelings about what I was doing - - and I found myself resisting doing the job - but I came to understand that it IS a lot of work - and my focus should just be a kind of resignation to that - and get on with the closeness with the work and get into it. My boss came to work after me -
and I found myself realizing that we all have different aspects - different vantages towards the work - different perspectives - that we all add to and give to a certain set of work or just viewpoints. It kind of helped me feel comfortable - accepting of my faults - and laughing at myself a bit. Totally out of my depth in some ways - but also willing to see that I have certain talents that are noteworthy and of value to the job. My boss invited me to go on a business trip with him and yet I knew I couldn't go. I had a commitment of a class I signed up for - but my Dad chirped in that it would be a great opportunity to go on the trip.
I agree with him but I've made the commitment and spent a lot on the class. Perhaps I should have let the class go? I'll leave it be. I think we all struggle with our personal filters.
As I am home now, I find I am remembering this idea - in the solitude of my place- it's kind a of questioning time - but I need to keep moving forward - and get into the work at hand.
As I am home now, I find I am remembering this idea - in the solitude of my place- it's kind a of questioning time - but I need to keep moving forward - and get into the work at hand.
Replies
Hang in there Mark
I'm not quite sure how, but this post brings "Oughtism" to mind. With hopes that I amnae gruntling any Autism feathers, Oughtism is a term I stole from The Swami Beyondana in the mid 70's or so. If I'm lying, I'm dying. Believe it or not, the dude is still around and licking up his offensive tickings. I followed him in the newspaper, if you are old enough to remember those. I loved the column about how his Swami Beyondana persona was the cure for his own oughtism. Telling other people what they ougtta do made it easier to resist oughtting on himself. I've never asked, but somehow I can see one or three of my autistic friends agreeing that oughtism is a bigger problem than autism. The entire Spectrum might even agree, if someone cares to do the research. *They* oughtta. *I* damn sure ain't gonna.
Have I already nagged you to quit shoulding yourself? If I didn't, I pro'lly shoulda. You do get quite shouldy at times, my questioner. I picked up the shoulded nag from Alanon where members often nag one another to stop shoulding themselves, both in public and private. Shoulding around is hazardous to the health.
Or am I lost in metaphor again? ? ? Or is it literals I am lost in? ? ?
Sigh. . . Or did I just miss my O'Henry Pun Off again this year.
Relax and flow with whatever energy is floating your boat, Markus Doubtrealius. Not every pulse needs to be big and important.
I think structure can be a good thing. I most likely should get into some type of structured thing. My brain keeps spinning its wheels at times. I do the "think of the worst case scenario thing" I think the worst thing and when it does not happen, I am relieved. Until I find something else horrible to think about.
Its been the way I always was. Dunno.
Big hug Marky...… Can you ask the school if you can take the next class? or at least have some of the money go towards next semester??
There is no perfect in the world so you do the best that you can.... I know that you do that....xo
thanks guys!! :))))