Just Thinking

Two things come to mind today for me to work on (always trying). The first involves moods. I know that my Dr. noted that I had a 'mood disorder', especially being that I was going between euphoria and depression (mainly depression), but that's subsided with the pills. What I hit upon today was that after reading more from "The Developing Mind" last night, I understand that mood is a coloring of my perceptions (everyone's as a matter of fact). It clues my mind into what to look for. So far I am depressed, so I look for things to be depressed about (Huh?). Also, I am afraid, of what, I'm not sure; but my mind is willing to look for ANYTHING to be afraid of. I'm usually on full alert for threats, to my well-being, to my self-identity, to my self confidence.  There's more, but let me digress. Emotions are fundamentally of two sorts, approach, and flee. This is the raw brain configuration. Everything is based on this unconscious realization for survival. Okay. So what's happening is that I am constantly in a highly aroused state of alert to flee, if necessary; based on my mood most of the time. It's a habit, call it my heightened sensitivity, my shyness, whatever! But here's the strange part, I wasn't aware until just now that I had a choice! It seems that my moods control me. As I get feelings, bad ones, my mood changes. The thing about feelings, is that they're based on thoughts that can be triggered by almost anything. They just tend to jump in and appear at their own pace.It never occured to me to question them! Until today. I have been a willing victim to my own feelings and moods. If I feel fear, I just follow along with it, and look for things to fear until the mood passes on it's own; never questioning if the feeling is rational. I don't ask if the feeling is necessary, or real, I just go with it. Completely out of control. I'm not suggesting repressing or denying the feelings, or trying to find out where they came from (yet); I'm talking about being aware of them and how they control my perception. They're usually keyed on past unresolved experiences, I think. So I want to practice not accepting my moods as justified, unless they are. To practice changing them to positive. That I have that choice, I don't have to accept them like a victim, without a choice. The next topic is related to this notion of choice, and co-dependency. Self-respect. I think a lot of what's going on with me involves the concept of self-respect. I don't give myself ANY! It's why I'm so co-dependent. I sacrifice myself for others. I don't respect my rights as good enough, so I defer to other's needs and feelings. Makes sense. Plus, as a co-dependent, I look to my environment to give me what I want for myself. What I want is to feel respect, for myself, by getting it from outside. To be and do things that will give me respect. But this universe doesn't work that way. My life experience is a REFLECTION of what I am projecting! I see the environment as telling me who I am, whereas, in truth, who I think I am is actually being reflected back to me. I've got it all wrong. So the next step (as Hoops and MGS1 have suggested a million times before) is to respect myself unconditionally, as my right to be. It is something, a concept, that is foreign to me. It may explain why I don't recognize any specific talents or abilities, and act like such a boundary-less co-dependent person all the time. It doesn't come from outside. If I can get that through my head, I may feel better; and soon. We'll see if I can remember it, and to control my moods and perceptions. (This isn't about dictating to my environment, watching for it to respond, this is about more inner-work and changes in some of my fundamentally dysfunctional habits.) So there! Rich