Just talking, I think it’s
I woke up this morning and my mind went squirrel brain
again - and I disassociated - I felt like a petty gossipy toxic
sick person - and I couldn't shake it - I looked suspiciously
at others when they were being perfectly nice -
I 'sat with it' during service - I didn't like myself -
I thought of trying to find a virtue within myself to try and deal
and then I thought 'we must all have ugly sides'
and that gave me a window of positive vision as I watched others -
at times they very much were containing the qualities
of the kind I aforementioned. It gave me a new
appreciation to think of the whole person- and love
them for it - not to idealize them as being greater than
me or being far more virtuous to my singularly unique failings.
I realized we're all human in a group!
I also realized not to take my ugly tendencies too far.
I was thinking about keeping regard for relationships as a way to ground me and direct me while at work yesterday. It inspired me to realize that with each of us in each job we’re dealing with and keeping a regard of different kinds of relationships. Today’s awareness of what I wrote, now has me starting to see that each of us likes regarding certain kinds of relationships. Like on the classical radio station. There was a guy interviewed and you could tell he really was passionate and had appetite for it.
I’ve started to look at myself now and just pay attention my own inclinations to try steer myself in the right direction.
More like a good direction. I think I would make a good doctor. I like caring for people’s well being and I like the diagnostics of it. A gal at service fainted today and hit her head. I started to go into doctor mode.
I think maybe the upcoming trip is triggering me. Could that be it?
There’s a real struggle to find the grace in my heart right now. The biological aspect of the illness really is awakening me to how I feed off these observations and I’m trying to humble myself to the reality that it can’t all be white light and virtue. As I said earlier, we’re all human animals. So I’ve got to adjust my sights and accept myself and my flaws dark and light.
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And Blue keeps gaining weight and I don’t spend enough time with him. I don’t know what to do. I’m hoping this guy in the rectory will take care of him well
(((((Marcos))))))
Here with you <3 I wish I could write more but I really don’t have good words today because my dissociation & pain it’s a little hard to even write this
… but please know I care & always rooting for you
Big hug <3
Xoxo thanks..your note really means a lot.
Sending a hug. I can’t say enough about grounding meditation, but I don’t know how that fits in your current environment?
We all have self doubt. Illness or not. xo
thanks Nikki xx