just talking

I ate way too much today. I at some soup earlier....then  I could only walk an hour. Then later, I ate 2 now and laters, 4...maybe 8 tic tacs....I drank some of my smoothie today....I drank a little vitamin water............gum...I chewed like 3 or 4 pieces.......I had a little over half of a rice cake....I ate a little tuna that I made. I hate eating things like soup and tuna....when you add all the ingredients together, it's hard knowing how much calories is in it....and then even if you get only a little, you can't know for sure how many calories you've taken in.....because I'm not eating much, any extra calories will stick to me, if I'm not careful. I'm scared of eating anything that I don't know for sure how many calories are in it. And even though I take castor oil and laxatives, when it goes in, it feels nasty. I want to get it out, but I can't vomit yet....I've never been able to........and even though I walk a lot, it never feels enough....but I cant do much more than an hour-an hour and 1/2 because of my knee...........and not having anyone to talk to about it sucks. And I have to sneak and use the scale....but I wasn't able to since earlier, so I don't know if I've gained weight.....I was 217 this morning......I want to only lose more.....I hate looking at all this fat! I need to get my body back! I'm desperate! There's only one thing that ever worked for me, and that was restricting and starving.....along with exercise......so that's what I'm doing. I'm going back to what works......but this time, since I have a lot to lose and I'm not restricting and starving to just keep my weight at a certain range, I have to be more committed. I have to know what I'm doing, why I'm doing it, and stick to it. Plus, I'm 25......I'm old......I need to get this nasty fat off me....like now! I cant wait to feel my stomach sink in when I lay down....I can't wait to be able to put my hand around my whole waist.....and I can't wait to feel my ribs when I'm laying down again....maybe this time, instead of staying around a size 10, I'll stay around an 8...I looked good when I got that small before......maybe I should do it again....maybe I should get even smaller.....Idk.. I'm not going to let Ana control me though. I'm not going to let myself become a bag of bones like others with eating disorders.......I'm gonna stay in control. I mean, isn't that the point of it all? Control?