Just some rambling

Feeling good.....and feeling some kind of way (not good...almost sad)...I just got out of my therapy session. We are getting into the deep stuff. I actually talked about the rape and started going over details and stuff. It's still hard to say the word "rape" sometimes. When it first happened, I couldn't say it at all. I couldn't really even write it. I said it once or twice, but it was awkward feeling when it came out my mouth, and there was one time I couldn't say it at all. I'm not sure if my counselor picked it up or not. Anywho, I am seriously considering going to trauma therapy. At my school, the counselors are here for one school year...so, although she is good, after the year ends, that's it. Also, we don't meet on breaks. Being in school makes therapy difficult. I don't know where I'm going to live, so if I get a therapist near my parents' home, and I end up living near my school or some place else, that's a lot of gas I would have to spend to get to my appointment....and vice versa, if I get a therapist near the school, on breaks and if I end up living in Metro Atlanta or someplace, it would be difficult keeping appointments and stuff.
Anywho, I feel a bit sad. I don't think I've properly dealt with my trauma. I think I may have just stuffed it, so now, I feel emotional after talking about it.
I think I may have to paint today :) I want to try and paint something that speaks how I feel...an emotional piece about my rape...
Why did I have to be targeted? Why do I have to deal with rape, assault, harassment, etc..........? Why am I the one with a past like that? Why can't I only have to deal with the regret of gaining weight!? Women who only have to deal with weight issues, money issues, school issues, & etc are lucky. Having to deal with depression and anxiety sucks. Having a past like mine sucks.
I wish things were different. I even feel shame because I feel I'm not pretty anymore, and people would think I'm lying about my rape when they look at me. I even feel like when people see my body, they will think that there's nobody who would want me, let alone rape me. That's another reason I want to lose weight. I hate being fat, I want to wear a size 10-11 again...I like being around that weight, and more toned and athletic built......I love and miss the way my body used to look..........but also, I want people to believe me when I speak about my trauma.
It feels weird saying "my rape" over and over.....but I was raped. It was a bad past, but it belongs to me.
I guess that's enough rambling.