Just so Tired
I've got two surgeries scheduled over the next two months for my eye. My father has had 4 surgeries in the last 4 months for a foot problem. Now he needs surgery on his arm. I've been there for him for all of the surgeries, and asked only that he has the one coming up on a Tuesday or Wednesday in two weeks. The doctor said he wouldn't need the surgery for three weeks so this did not appear to be a problem.
I was wrong.
My father, knowing that I have to work, decided to have the surgery next week. He's refused to change the date. He knows that I live alone(recently widowed) but he wants to get me fired so he can have control over me. He's not feeble, but has always been a controling man who used to beat my mother. He once threatened to kill my husband, so I'm talking high order control. I can not live with him, but I love him and would like to help him. But if I lose my job, my life is over as I know it. He can and will destroy me.
So, I'm here just venting. If I take that much time off, I will have problems at my job. If I don't work, I don't get paid. I have that sort of job.
I'm not going to the surgery. When I asked him to please change it, he screamed at me and said that I was selfish and hung up on me.
I'm so damn tired of this. What with losing my husband and him torturing me for a year(I actually moved in there to help him), I'm just at my wits end. He's left me 15,000 dollars in debt because I gave him the money. Now, I'm barely making ends meet and he's trying to get me fired.
Just so tired.
I was wrong.
My father, knowing that I have to work, decided to have the surgery next week. He's refused to change the date. He knows that I live alone(recently widowed) but he wants to get me fired so he can have control over me. He's not feeble, but has always been a controling man who used to beat my mother. He once threatened to kill my husband, so I'm talking high order control. I can not live with him, but I love him and would like to help him. But if I lose my job, my life is over as I know it. He can and will destroy me.
So, I'm here just venting. If I take that much time off, I will have problems at my job. If I don't work, I don't get paid. I have that sort of job.
I'm not going to the surgery. When I asked him to please change it, he screamed at me and said that I was selfish and hung up on me.
I'm so damn tired of this. What with losing my husband and him torturing me for a year(I actually moved in there to help him), I'm just at my wits end. He's left me 15,000 dollars in debt because I gave him the money. Now, I'm barely making ends meet and he's trying to get me fired.
Just so tired.
Replies
Your father has really done what he can to make your life misreable. Let him face this on his own. You really need to start putting yourself first, after all this time I think you deserve to.
Hon, you really need to set boundaries with him and when you do don\'t feel guilty. You have done above and beyond what anybody else would do. Please protect yourself. Hugs.
A Ghandi quote worth pondering: Nobody Can Hurt Me Without My Permission.
I am sorry that he is being unreasonable, manipulative. controlling...and although we can\'t control any of that we can control our response to it.
\"I\'m sorry Dad, It is your decision not to reschedule.I can\'t take any more time off my job. I will check on your progress. I love you. Goodbye \"
Refuse to engage.
((((hugs))))
Take care of yourself.
love,
Carla
It\'s time to take a stand with you dad. No one in your life has put you first. Put yourself first, which is not selfish. If you look after yourself, you are better able to cope with other people in your life. It took me a very long time to learn that lesson but it is a good one. God first, you next etc. You father seems to me a horrible person that your mom put up with so don\'t go following in your mother\'s footsteps. I left my husband for abuse. No one needs to stay in that situation - no even you. If you stop catering to you dad and learn to say no, he will look after himself don\'t you worry and despite his threats. You father needs to be put in his place. No one in his life seems to be able to do it. No one has control over you unless you let them. No one can hurt you unless you let them. We allow ourselves to be vulnerable to other people. No one has dominion or dominance over you unless you let them. Stop letting your father do all these things to you. from Diane B.
I agree with all of what has been said before my comment. I especially think that it is God first, then youself in this specific situation. Your father is being very unreasonable by not listening to your very reasonable request to schedule his procedure around your livelyhood. He has refused to do that. Now the consequence is something that he will have to deal with.
I think that you might handle the stress of loving him better if you had some boundaries in place and did not allow him to engage you in the way in which he enjoys. Can you set some in place to help you feel more at peace? Who knows, it might even help him too. Kind of like a child who needs more structure in order to function well.
Personally I like what Carla has offered you to say to him. Remember you choose and you should be able to live with the consequences of your choice. He cannot make you do anything and I hope you\'re enough in touch with the adult inside of yourself to see that. Otherwise you\'ll be like a little girl trying to always win his approval and he\'ll still likely be unappreciative and controlling. But the difference is you may not have your job!! Be kind to yourself, it\'s not selfish... its called self-preservation and wisdom. hugs
Tru I agree with the responses, you need to worry about you and your future. You have been through so much and it is time for you!!! Hugs Lu Ann
You need to take your power back. Sounds like your Dad is very self centered. I know he is elderly and you need to show him respect but he is controlling your life. Good luck.
Carla said it simply and best. I pray you will walk out of the role of martyr as you deserve to be loved and he had not given that to you. unfortunately we have a tendency to return to those who hurt us still trying to get love. You can\'t get honey from vinegar my dear friend. Look to God for his love to fill that space and release the pain. YOU DESERVE BETTER! I didn\'t understand this but have come to see the truth of it. Reach instead out to others around you to get support and love to move forward and build your life up. Hope that all goes well with your surgery. Hugs and Prayers, D xoxo
I agree with all that has been said. I know its hard to say no, but you have to watch out for you now, because he sure as heck isn\'t. If he needs help and he is on Medicare, I believe that he may be able to get home visits and help. The social workers at the hospital should be alble to tellyou that, via phone, don\'t take any time off work, ok !! He has left you in a terrible mess, don\'t let him make it worse. Hugs and support out your way. Jane