Just sickly?
I am not really sure what has been up with me. I just haven't felt good. Thought maybe I had an infection or fever from a tick bite or I don't know. Maybe it is just hormonal fluxuation. Or maybe I am just really tired. I don't think I've actually had a fever, but felt feverish...sweats and chills. And then every time I start to go ahead and make the trip to the clinic, I feel a bit better that day and have put it off.
I have found myself not sleeping right again, not making class and just feeling too tired all the time. Maybe just lingering, hidden depression. I know I felt so bad the night before last I was in bed trying to go to sleep and just really had the feeling of not wanting to live anymore. No suicidal type ideation, but just that tired.
I guess I am depressed (I think more just over it) because I have applied every where, even places I really don't want to work like McDonald's trying to find a part time job that works with my school schedule and nothing. I have more things happening at the dance studio now, but it's not enough to pay the bills. I'm thinking I should have taken a break from school this summer, but it's too late to drop without penalty at this point, so I'm not sure about making that happen. My cousin's daughter was assaulted spending the night at her best friend's house - the girl's dad tried to pull off her pants while she was sleeping. I got into a worse discussion with my son's principal and lost my cool - actually losing my grip on polite language. I'm just done and I guess if I had more than $0.50 I would take a vacation!!
I guess I will go apply for everything other job in this town and see if I can make something happen. I think breaking free from this level of poverty would probably do wonders for my attitude. It just lingers and it is beating at me constantly, wearing me down. Giving another pull up off the boot straps and off I go....
I have found myself not sleeping right again, not making class and just feeling too tired all the time. Maybe just lingering, hidden depression. I know I felt so bad the night before last I was in bed trying to go to sleep and just really had the feeling of not wanting to live anymore. No suicidal type ideation, but just that tired.
I guess I am depressed (I think more just over it) because I have applied every where, even places I really don't want to work like McDonald's trying to find a part time job that works with my school schedule and nothing. I have more things happening at the dance studio now, but it's not enough to pay the bills. I'm thinking I should have taken a break from school this summer, but it's too late to drop without penalty at this point, so I'm not sure about making that happen. My cousin's daughter was assaulted spending the night at her best friend's house - the girl's dad tried to pull off her pants while she was sleeping. I got into a worse discussion with my son's principal and lost my cool - actually losing my grip on polite language. I'm just done and I guess if I had more than $0.50 I would take a vacation!!
I guess I will go apply for everything other job in this town and see if I can make something happen. I think breaking free from this level of poverty would probably do wonders for my attitude. It just lingers and it is beating at me constantly, wearing me down. Giving another pull up off the boot straps and off I go....
Replies
Oh I sure know how job searching and not having an adequate income can be. Definitely can go in and out of depression. It messes with one primary needs and with in that brings up core fear. Fear with good reason as far as I am concerned. On top of that ... when in that kind of mood it doesn\'t help in connecting with employers as in the vibe is there or close to it.
There is also the grasping state which does do a number on the spirit. This can (doesn\'t have to) reduce ones personal power.
Any way, I do understand the experience you are having. All too well in my past and really this sort of thing is happening to many people right now. The people that survive it better are those that do not turn the condition into their worth. Some times I don\'t even know if people know that THAT is what is actually happening. Defenses are great in that they will cover that up ... but the result is becoming depressed . (((hugs)))
One more thing. When I needed a vacation, s p a c e ... I began to experience some of the symptoms you describe above. I started hating everything and feelings of meaninglessness which turned into feeling sick, tired and yes a bit of depression. That happened last year in April. Vacation helped. some times all a vacation means is getting stepping off of daily duties and tending to other needs. But that is difficult if ya need a job so I get the sense that in some way you are trapped. No place to expand and a lot of pressure.
Aww,nothing to add but sympathy, you\'re right about poverty, it does wear you down. I don\'t believe money makes you happy at all, but lack of it, wondering constantly how you are gonna make this payment/find gas/buy your kids shoes/feed everyone for the weekend, ugh, it is daily drudgery that gets you.
Hope something turns up for you soon sweetie xx