just sad

I feel guilty that I woke up late and so my med schedule was off by hours.  The sadder part is that a friend is in town for a funeral so I let them in but was too embarrassed/anxious to be around them to pretend to be normal so instead of going into my own kitchen to take the meds (which still would have been behind schedule) went back to my room and went to sleep until they were gone. I brushed my teeth but couldn't get up the extra energy to wash my face.  How stupid is that.  I am just not sure what to do with myself.  When I'm asleep there is peace.  I console myself with the thought that at least sleeping is better than drugs and alcohol.  I've been so depressed I don't even smoke (cigarettes) or drink coffee anymore.  I know that's a good thing but I really must not be interested in my "normal" interests if I don't even want to do those.   Sigh.  Big fucking sigh.  I wish I could read.  I wish I could go outside and take a walk but the thought of it makes me anxious.  I don't know.  I am stuck.  And as I write this, I feel like a self-indulgent jerk because I know many have it worse than I do, but I feel like I need to let the thoughts out of my head because let's face it, no one can afford a 24-hour-a-day therapist. I think I need to change the routine of my life, but the thought of it makes me tired and anxious at the moment.  I'm not sure if my brain is protecting me from things I'm not ready to take on or if I really am just a lazy wretch.  Why is it so much easier to distinguish these things for other people than yourself.  Wish I could get out of my own head.