Just Rambling Thoughts
Hi Fred:
I have been thinking about Nick, his death, our relationship and all the mixed emotions that chase each other around and around and never seem to actually go anywhere. It has been 6 1/2 months now. I am still just as lost as I was when I knew I was going to be without him. I still feel like I am in free fall from an airplane and searching desperately for the rip cord.
I truly do not know if all this reading of grief & loss books, starting a group session (very small group) and seeing a grief counselor is actually helping or just making things worse. I talk, I read I write but nothing really changes. Nick is still dead. All the mistakes the doctors made are still there. The suffering he endured is still just exactly what it was. I am still 63 years old, still without the person I had hoped to finish life with and still see no real future or happiness.
At times I think perhaps trying to ignore the pain and just get busy would be the best. By the time I get through the grief there won't be much time to really do anything else. I feel years and years older than I did 6 months ago. Does it really matter at this age if I "work through the grief so it heals cleanly"??? If I can stay busy with volunteer work, visiting fiends and family for the next few years who is going to care whether this grief was "worked through"?
I miss Nick and the companionship we shared. I miss many of the things we did together. I grieve for his suffering and cannot withstand the onslaught of grief that hits me when I remember his actual death. I know this is what will truly be the end of me if I dwell on this. I also mourn for the loss of hope that someday he would love me as much as I loved him. I kept hoping that would happen. The chance of that happening died with him.
I think I may talk with the grief counselor next week about these thoughts. If I were a younger person I could see a reason for taking time to truly lean into and work through the grief. There would still be so much more life to spend here on Earth. As it it, there seems very little reason to do this. My "new normal" as some call it will not be filled with a new companion (I cannot imagine that or even feel a desire for that.) There are no children to help work through their grief. The cats don't care one way or another as long as they get fed. If I just go get busy, life at best could include lots of volunteer work, perhaps travel, changes to the home, maybe trying out a hobby and keeping company with the friends I have. Currently my life consists of some activities with friends, crying a lot, seeing a grief counselor, attending a very small group meeting and tying quilts for a couple of hours each week. Each day it is more & more difficult to smile or find humor in life. Somehow this must change. I really do need to get on with what part of life is left to me. I hope the counselor will have some insight on this.
Thank you Fred for listening to me ramble. Good night .
Darlene 10/11/2011
I have been thinking about Nick, his death, our relationship and all the mixed emotions that chase each other around and around and never seem to actually go anywhere. It has been 6 1/2 months now. I am still just as lost as I was when I knew I was going to be without him. I still feel like I am in free fall from an airplane and searching desperately for the rip cord.
I truly do not know if all this reading of grief & loss books, starting a group session (very small group) and seeing a grief counselor is actually helping or just making things worse. I talk, I read I write but nothing really changes. Nick is still dead. All the mistakes the doctors made are still there. The suffering he endured is still just exactly what it was. I am still 63 years old, still without the person I had hoped to finish life with and still see no real future or happiness.
At times I think perhaps trying to ignore the pain and just get busy would be the best. By the time I get through the grief there won't be much time to really do anything else. I feel years and years older than I did 6 months ago. Does it really matter at this age if I "work through the grief so it heals cleanly"??? If I can stay busy with volunteer work, visiting fiends and family for the next few years who is going to care whether this grief was "worked through"?
I miss Nick and the companionship we shared. I miss many of the things we did together. I grieve for his suffering and cannot withstand the onslaught of grief that hits me when I remember his actual death. I know this is what will truly be the end of me if I dwell on this. I also mourn for the loss of hope that someday he would love me as much as I loved him. I kept hoping that would happen. The chance of that happening died with him.
I think I may talk with the grief counselor next week about these thoughts. If I were a younger person I could see a reason for taking time to truly lean into and work through the grief. There would still be so much more life to spend here on Earth. As it it, there seems very little reason to do this. My "new normal" as some call it will not be filled with a new companion (I cannot imagine that or even feel a desire for that.) There are no children to help work through their grief. The cats don't care one way or another as long as they get fed. If I just go get busy, life at best could include lots of volunteer work, perhaps travel, changes to the home, maybe trying out a hobby and keeping company with the friends I have. Currently my life consists of some activities with friends, crying a lot, seeing a grief counselor, attending a very small group meeting and tying quilts for a couple of hours each week. Each day it is more & more difficult to smile or find humor in life. Somehow this must change. I really do need to get on with what part of life is left to me. I hope the counselor will have some insight on this.
Thank you Fred for listening to me ramble. Good night .
Darlene 10/11/2011
Replies
So sorry. Terrible club we all are in. There is no magic bullet. Nothing works the way we want. Way to early for you. Only thing I know is to share on this site. Have done all the other things also. Many doubts will happen. There seems , for me, a point of diminishing returns in sharing but it is different for each. Then a little bit of seaching for some happiness.
So hard.
Peace Bob
I get it...I am at just over two months and wondering if I should try to find a group or counselor at all. This site helps, but then sometimes I wonder if it just makes me think about it more? I am lucky that I have had several friends trying to keep me busy but sometimes I think I really just need down time - alone time. When I do have time alone, though, I cry alot. Take care, Darlene, hopefully our \"new normal\" will become easier as time goes by.
I strongly encourage you to continue groups = \"talking about your grief.\" I felt like a volcano........just needed to let it all out. GriefShare was a place where the agenda was to talk about grief. So I was free to spew out honest feelings.
It didn\'t make me feel \"good.\" But it was a release.
Darlene, I used to get in the shower and cry my eyes out. I was letting out my feelings the best way I could. I\'ve heard that writing down your emotions is a good way to express what you are going through. I am 64 and I have hope that there are still some good years left for me, but I am almost 7 years away from my loss. I had horrible depression and had to go onto anti-depressant meds and mood stabilizers to make it past the months of wanting to die and be out of my misery. My kids were also affected by my husband\'s death. We were a very close family. My son had a suicide attempt after he broke up with his girl friend. He would have died had I not called 911 and gotten him to the hospital. My daughter also became very depressed. I was able to suggest the type of meds that might help her because of my experience. There are so many of us out there; I know we can help each other get through this crazy-making life!