Just over 6 months since Max died
This is truly some rambling, so read at your own risk...June 8th was exactly 6 months since Max died, it was a rough day, rough week really. Who am I kidding, it has been a rough 6 months and although it has gotten a little easier to live day to day, I am still angrier that I have ever been and still just as devastated as I was when it happened. The last 6 months have been surreal to the point that I have hardly any memories. Kind of like a blackout, but for weeks at a time. They say that is the brains way of protecting yourself against stress. Your brain decides that you are under so much stress that it just shuts down so you don't have to deal with it. It makes me laugh though because I still have to deal with it, I still remember what happened to start all of this stress.
A couple of months ago, I graduated with my master's degree. Something I had been working on for the past 5+ years. To this day, I still have no idea how I finished. I had 2 weeks left of my internship when I went into the hospital, I was in the hospital for a week and then had to go right back to my internship. Luckily my school and my internship supervisors were awesome and extended my internship so that I could finish out the last 2 weeks rather than taking a whole other semester of internship. Then, the next semester, I had to take my final class required for graduation. I have so few memories of doing the work needed to finish these 2 classes, but somehow I did it and passed both classes with A's.
I went to my graduation in New Orleans (school was online), searched for a job, applied for jobs, interviewed for jobs, got a job offer and took it! I have now been in my new position, ironically as a mental health counselor, for about 3 and half weeks, and I still have no idea how I got here. What I remember of the last 6 months is laying in bed, thinking about laying in bed if I wasn't laying in bed, crying, yelling, trying not to cry or yell, you get the idea. What I don't remember is writing papers, going to an internship, applying and interviewing for jobs. I am under so much stress (grief, anger, sadness) that my brain shut down...but I still did all of these things that I was supposed to. I am amazed at myself, I am proud of myself, but I am still grieving, still angry, still sad. I am pretty sure that I will always feel this way, it may not be so prominent but it will always be there.
And nobody in my life checks in with me anymore to make sure that I am okay. No texts, no calls, no Facebook messages, no emails, nothing. If I want some support, I have to ask for it and who wants to do that? I am definitely not the type of person to ask for help and everybody in my life knows that, yet nobody checks on me.
My husband may be worse off than me, although nobody would ever know. The only reason I know is because it affects my ability to function when I can't count on him for support and I haven't been able to count on him for support. He works second shift, so 2pm-10pm, but he almost always has to work later than that and after work he goes fishing. Some days he doesn't come home until 5am. I know that he is fishing because I am crazy and have the find my phone app on my phone so that I know where he is. Not because I thought he was cheating, but because I thought he would end up dead and I can't handle another dead person in my life right now, especially my husband. That's how my brain works, my husband goes fishing after work and doesn't tell me where he is and doesn't come home until 5am and I think he is lying dead on the side of the road. Am I always going to go straight to death when I don't know where somebody is? If we do IVF again and it works and I actually have a kid, am I going to constantly think of all the ways he could die? I can't live like that, it's exhausting.
So we fight, a lot, because I need him and he isn't there for me. But I know he needs me and I can't be there for him either so how can I be mad at him for not doing something that I know I can't do either?? It's a fucking catch 22. I can so relate to parents who have lost a child and then get divorced, it is so easy. Grief is so selfish and both people need each other but can't be there for the other so they get pissed and grow apart and get divorced. We are nowhere near that but I can see how it happens.
Anyway, I guess that is enough rambling for one day.
A couple of months ago, I graduated with my master's degree. Something I had been working on for the past 5+ years. To this day, I still have no idea how I finished. I had 2 weeks left of my internship when I went into the hospital, I was in the hospital for a week and then had to go right back to my internship. Luckily my school and my internship supervisors were awesome and extended my internship so that I could finish out the last 2 weeks rather than taking a whole other semester of internship. Then, the next semester, I had to take my final class required for graduation. I have so few memories of doing the work needed to finish these 2 classes, but somehow I did it and passed both classes with A's.
I went to my graduation in New Orleans (school was online), searched for a job, applied for jobs, interviewed for jobs, got a job offer and took it! I have now been in my new position, ironically as a mental health counselor, for about 3 and half weeks, and I still have no idea how I got here. What I remember of the last 6 months is laying in bed, thinking about laying in bed if I wasn't laying in bed, crying, yelling, trying not to cry or yell, you get the idea. What I don't remember is writing papers, going to an internship, applying and interviewing for jobs. I am under so much stress (grief, anger, sadness) that my brain shut down...but I still did all of these things that I was supposed to. I am amazed at myself, I am proud of myself, but I am still grieving, still angry, still sad. I am pretty sure that I will always feel this way, it may not be so prominent but it will always be there.
And nobody in my life checks in with me anymore to make sure that I am okay. No texts, no calls, no Facebook messages, no emails, nothing. If I want some support, I have to ask for it and who wants to do that? I am definitely not the type of person to ask for help and everybody in my life knows that, yet nobody checks on me.
My husband may be worse off than me, although nobody would ever know. The only reason I know is because it affects my ability to function when I can't count on him for support and I haven't been able to count on him for support. He works second shift, so 2pm-10pm, but he almost always has to work later than that and after work he goes fishing. Some days he doesn't come home until 5am. I know that he is fishing because I am crazy and have the find my phone app on my phone so that I know where he is. Not because I thought he was cheating, but because I thought he would end up dead and I can't handle another dead person in my life right now, especially my husband. That's how my brain works, my husband goes fishing after work and doesn't tell me where he is and doesn't come home until 5am and I think he is lying dead on the side of the road. Am I always going to go straight to death when I don't know where somebody is? If we do IVF again and it works and I actually have a kid, am I going to constantly think of all the ways he could die? I can't live like that, it's exhausting.
So we fight, a lot, because I need him and he isn't there for me. But I know he needs me and I can't be there for him either so how can I be mad at him for not doing something that I know I can't do either?? It's a fucking catch 22. I can so relate to parents who have lost a child and then get divorced, it is so easy. Grief is so selfish and both people need each other but can't be there for the other so they get pissed and grow apart and get divorced. We are nowhere near that but I can see how it happens.
Anyway, I guess that is enough rambling for one day.
Replies
I am so sorry you are hurting. I can\'t even imagine the level of pain you feel. I honestly don\'t know what to say. I can completely relate to you wanting your husband to support you but he just can\'t do it. DH and I have been lucky that most of the time it is one of us breaking down at a time. We have been in a situation where it was both of us and we did the same thing, just fought and yelled at each other. It scared the shit out of me. Maybe try to set your feelings aside for a minute and try to support him. Maybe if he see\'s you trying, he will too. Do something nice for yourselves and go to dinner or go get a massage. You\'d be surprised how refreshing a little self love can do. Wishing you some peace today. xoxo
Wow, I am so so sorry to hear about your baby. My deepest condolences to you and your husband. I can\'t even imagine how hard it must have been.
I am also amazed. You are such a strong person! You were dealing with all this by yourself while finishing up your internship, getting a job and all that. I agree with BecMarie- do something nice for yourself. Take care of yourself.
Thanks girls, I appreciate the kind words!