Just ONE day...
I'd like to have a day, just ONE day, where I don't cry. It's October 27th now, getting really close to 3 months since The Bomb, and once the numbed shock wore off I've yet to have a day when I didn't cry. Oh, there's been progress, sure, I mean I'm not (often) hysterical when I cry. Compared to those first few days I'm a model of emotional self-control!
I'm sleeping better, 5 or 6 hours a night most of the time instead of the 3 hours I had been managing that first month and a half-ish. Yeah, yeah, with the occasional night where I didn't get any sleep at all. It's still not quite -enough- sleep but more sleep is definitely better than less.
I feel like Buffy from "Once More With Feeling".
Every single night The same arrangement I go out and fight the fight Still, I always feel the strange estrangement Nothing here is real Nothing here is right.
I don't want to be Going through the motions Losing all my drive I can't even see If this is really me And I just want to be Alive!
Yup, going through the motions. Nothing here is real, nothing here is right. Even while I'm with other people I just feel...alone. Apart. One of these things is not like the others.
I guess I'm having a hard time moving on. I've seen people comment lots of times that you should take responsibility for how you failed the marriage (but only for your part, don't take the blame for things that you didn't do). And then work on those things to improve yourself. I would do that if only I knew what they were. :/
Is it my fault for not recognizing that he was only acting happy and in love? When he fooled everyone including his own mother? For believing him when he told me that he "loved me more than breathing" only a week before shattering my heart? For not being... more, for not being... enough, for not being worthy of being loved? I don't understand how someone can just fall out of love and not... care that they are when they realize that it's happening. When you make a commitment to love someone, how can you just not care when you feel it slipping away?
He did eventually send me an email, explaining his side of things.
"Maybe if I had been able to tell you how I felt, things might have been different. I don’t know. It’s too late for that now. I should have said something, it was a terrible mistake to stay quiet, but it can’t be changed now. I am sorry for not saying something before it was too late.I don’t hate you. You’ve never done anything to make me hate you. I wanted to make you happy, and I didn’t know what else to do. When I told you that it’s been years, I don’t mean that I stopped being in love with you years ago. I mean it’s been a process of change for that time. A slow realization that I just didn’t feel the way I used to.I don’t know how else to say this. I can’t control the way I feel. You are an extraordinary person. This would be easier if I could point to something, some unforgivable act or flaw, but that’s not how it is. How do you tell someone that your heart has just changed? For a while I tried to convince myself that it was just the initial passion fading, but it was more than that.If I had stayed, it only would have led to resentment and loneliness. I was suppressing how I felt because I didn’t want to hurt you, and because you deserve better. But if it had gone on, I would have started resenting you for it, and that wouldn’t have been fair to you. I didn’t want to do that to you. I didn’t want to become cold and distant and leave you joyless and lonely and withering for years.And yes, R----- is part of it, but only in that she made this happen sooner than it would have anyway. Maybe we would have had a couple more years, but I would still have been the same flawed person who couldn’t say how I felt. This still would have come.I am sorry for hurting you. I wish you nothing but joy in life, that’s all I’ve ever wanted for you, but I can’t be the one to give it to you any more. I hope someday you can forgive me for that."
I can't continue this... the screen is all blurry because of the tears in my eyes....
I'm sleeping better, 5 or 6 hours a night most of the time instead of the 3 hours I had been managing that first month and a half-ish. Yeah, yeah, with the occasional night where I didn't get any sleep at all. It's still not quite -enough- sleep but more sleep is definitely better than less.
I feel like Buffy from "Once More With Feeling".
Every single night The same arrangement I go out and fight the fight Still, I always feel the strange estrangement Nothing here is real Nothing here is right.
I don't want to be Going through the motions Losing all my drive I can't even see If this is really me And I just want to be Alive!
Yup, going through the motions. Nothing here is real, nothing here is right. Even while I'm with other people I just feel...alone. Apart. One of these things is not like the others.
I guess I'm having a hard time moving on. I've seen people comment lots of times that you should take responsibility for how you failed the marriage (but only for your part, don't take the blame for things that you didn't do). And then work on those things to improve yourself. I would do that if only I knew what they were. :/
Is it my fault for not recognizing that he was only acting happy and in love? When he fooled everyone including his own mother? For believing him when he told me that he "loved me more than breathing" only a week before shattering my heart? For not being... more, for not being... enough, for not being worthy of being loved? I don't understand how someone can just fall out of love and not... care that they are when they realize that it's happening. When you make a commitment to love someone, how can you just not care when you feel it slipping away?
He did eventually send me an email, explaining his side of things.
"Maybe if I had been able to tell you how I felt, things might have been different. I don’t know. It’s too late for that now. I should have said something, it was a terrible mistake to stay quiet, but it can’t be changed now. I am sorry for not saying something before it was too late.I don’t hate you. You’ve never done anything to make me hate you. I wanted to make you happy, and I didn’t know what else to do. When I told you that it’s been years, I don’t mean that I stopped being in love with you years ago. I mean it’s been a process of change for that time. A slow realization that I just didn’t feel the way I used to.I don’t know how else to say this. I can’t control the way I feel. You are an extraordinary person. This would be easier if I could point to something, some unforgivable act or flaw, but that’s not how it is. How do you tell someone that your heart has just changed? For a while I tried to convince myself that it was just the initial passion fading, but it was more than that.If I had stayed, it only would have led to resentment and loneliness. I was suppressing how I felt because I didn’t want to hurt you, and because you deserve better. But if it had gone on, I would have started resenting you for it, and that wouldn’t have been fair to you. I didn’t want to do that to you. I didn’t want to become cold and distant and leave you joyless and lonely and withering for years.And yes, R----- is part of it, but only in that she made this happen sooner than it would have anyway. Maybe we would have had a couple more years, but I would still have been the same flawed person who couldn’t say how I felt. This still would have come.I am sorry for hurting you. I wish you nothing but joy in life, that’s all I’ve ever wanted for you, but I can’t be the one to give it to you any more. I hope someday you can forgive me for that."
I can't continue this... the screen is all blurry because of the tears in my eyes....
Replies
I share and feel your pain....I really do. Talk when you want to talk......I am having some rough days too.
I think it sounds like he was feeling down, bored with his life and himself, and just blah. So he convinced himself that the only way to spice up his boredom with life was to find,a new woman. Guess what\'s gunna happen when he has to stare at himself again? Feeling bored, feeling blah and restless,.......yep. He will do it again. He purposefully didn\'t share his feelings with you because then he\'d have to WORK on them, not just ditch his boo hoos and play in someone else\'s yard. He didn\'t fix anything, he just made a bigger mess, in someone else\'s kitchen. It\'s irresponsible, selfish and lazy. And has nothing to do with you. We\'re you the perfect wife? No. Because nobody\'s perfect. We\'re a good loving and supportive wife? Yes. And he did not deserve you. Because you are way too valuable to be tossed aside!
He had never really dated anyone more than a couple months at the longest before me. So perhaps part of the problem for him was that he had no practice at the work that\'s involved with it. Because of course that initial infatuation phase doesn\'t last, and if you don\'t work to build something more then things will fall apart. I don\'t see her picking up the slack and doing the relationship work, either. She\'s always been a selfish, self-centered person for as long as I\'ve known her so uh yeah, buddy, you have fun dealing with that, okay? :p
It\'s just I thought we had built something real, you know? We always talked things out, never went to bed angry. We were very openly affectionate, we touched, hugged and laughed all the time. We were always very supportive of each other and noticed and acknowledged all the little things you do for someone you love. We always said \"I love you\" every day, even up to the end.
How could there be all of that? And it was just a lie on his part for the last year? Seriously, he needs to take up acting \'cause damn, he was so very believable.
My sense of humor is apparently soundtracking my life now. The Violent Femmes popped up with this little variation... LOL \"Why can\'t I get just one day? Why can\'t I get just one day? I loved you more than I can say, but you broke my heart and I need a day!\" Dunno that I want to let it continue...it would only lead to singing about \'Bob\'! ;D