just notes
I went out in the world this morning. Not feeling like I was so worthy of the excursion
but I decided I was and went. After I went to the gardens I then stopped by the kitchen supplies
shop to get a coffee pot. As I came to the front door a woman was walking faster than me - she opened the door and said to me "Go for it"- holding the door open for me. It felt so passive agressive but I just "ok thanks" - and walked in. I found a pot and went to check out.
The woman behind the counter had the most outrageous head of hair BRIGHT BRIGHT DYED BLONDE (like a Jan Brady wig haircut.) I smiled a little and then she too seemed kind of angry with me. I left and just felt half empty and isolated and attacked. But I think I can't look at it like this. I mean, writing about it here makes it feel so much the less of an incident. But I can see
how important it is to be kind to others. Not everyone has the chance to process their feelings on their own - or even can do it - though we all have to in some form or another. It's important we reach out to others and lift each other up maybe? Now I am home alone and I have to lift myself up - I feel the self denial impulse of being unworthy for more, coming to me - but maybe I will go to the gym and walk on the treadmill. I also was thinking about work and wanting to do something else with my life - something more in line with how I would like to see.. I am looking forward to
seeing my therapist Friday. Living alone has its challenges but I feel like I am learning some important things on how to do it.
Replies
Not feeling worthy of going out into the world? ? ?
Is there a minimum standard I was supposed to be saluting? Can I salute with my middle finger? All DUE respect, Ma'am/Sir! ! !
Still. . . On the days when I don't feel worthy of any kinder of another kick in my teeth, I double up on my random acts of kindness. If I can muster up enough kindness to give to a surly, dye headed barista, maybe I'll be able to spare a little for crazy, little ol' me. You know, the nut-job who wishes she could trade your living alone pains for her cohabitation pains. Get me nostalgic for the years I have lived alone, why doncha?
How important is it to be kind to others? Was that a rhetorical question?
things are ok arfie... :-)