Just not ok...

I'm so exhausted, didnt sleep last night.  And this am was pretty horrible.  I was reliving it and everything I felt then just hit me like a ton of bricks.  Getting the call, then having to break it to my parents, their grand daughter 's body was found.  They already knew it wasnt good news b/c I was sneaking inot their room instead or rushing in with good news.  I will never foget the look on their faces.  I will never have peace with the fact that I had to break my parents like that.  I worry sometimes that when they look at me, all they see is the person who destroyed their world. 

I'm so down, it feels like I will never get back up.  I just want to become numb....just nothing, no feeling, no thinking.