Just Needing to Express Myself
I don't have much to report, basically just needing to sort through some emotions. Today is 5 weeks since my D&C and I began spotting a few days ago. Usually before AF, I spot for a few days before the heavy bleeding begins. I've been spotting for 4 days now and am bracing for a bad period, since RE said it will probably be heavier and crampier than usual (I already have very heavy periods with terrible cramps). Figures the first period since my mc will hit on one of the worst days: my BIL is getting married on Sunday and my guess is that bitch AF will be bad that day.
I'm struggling with this concept of moving on. I think I'm in the denial stage of grief, because it feels like this past year was a dream - the ERs, the FETs, being pregnant, the miscarriage. Especially the mc and being pregnant, I feel like it never happened and I feel guilt and sadness to feel that way. It's like I've forgotten, and how sad to think I could forget my baby and my very painful loss. I guess this must be a way of self-preservation, because to think of the heaviness of this loss and what lies ahead is just too overwhelming. I am going to buy a piece of jewelry with an emerald birthstone so I can wear it and remind myself this was all real and my baby was and always will be a part of me.
So I mention my BIL is getting married on Sunday. I'm really happy for him, and I really love my new SIL. However, they want kids very very badly, and are going to start trying like yesterday. I am so fearful they are going to announce a pregnancy soon and I just don't know how I will handle this. I love spending time with DH's family, but I'm already plotting ways to get out of future family gatherings to avoid hearing an announcement. I really loathe IF and what it does to us. Sunday marks the day of a new beginning for them, while for me, this time marks an ending.
Thanks for reading this, and of course, for your amazing support! I don't know where I'd be without you ladies; I fear it would be a very dark and awful place!!!!
Love to all xoxoxo
I'm struggling with this concept of moving on. I think I'm in the denial stage of grief, because it feels like this past year was a dream - the ERs, the FETs, being pregnant, the miscarriage. Especially the mc and being pregnant, I feel like it never happened and I feel guilt and sadness to feel that way. It's like I've forgotten, and how sad to think I could forget my baby and my very painful loss. I guess this must be a way of self-preservation, because to think of the heaviness of this loss and what lies ahead is just too overwhelming. I am going to buy a piece of jewelry with an emerald birthstone so I can wear it and remind myself this was all real and my baby was and always will be a part of me.
So I mention my BIL is getting married on Sunday. I'm really happy for him, and I really love my new SIL. However, they want kids very very badly, and are going to start trying like yesterday. I am so fearful they are going to announce a pregnancy soon and I just don't know how I will handle this. I love spending time with DH's family, but I'm already plotting ways to get out of future family gatherings to avoid hearing an announcement. I really loathe IF and what it does to us. Sunday marks the day of a new beginning for them, while for me, this time marks an ending.
Thanks for reading this, and of course, for your amazing support! I don't know where I'd be without you ladies; I fear it would be a very dark and awful place!!!!
Love to all xoxoxo
Replies
I\'m so sorry. I hope AF holds out to after Sunday so your not in pain for the wedding. I think the necklace with an emerald stone sounds like a great idea. All the feelings you are having are normal, and it will take a long time to heal. I am here for you.
The necklace idea is such a sweet idea! I too find myself avoiding social situations and get together that might have pregnancy announcements involved. I am happy for those around me but still sad for myself and my hubby. So I get where you are coming from!
Thinking of you and praying you find peace and laughter again.
The necklace idea is perfect. My husband bought me a necklace.
I wore it for months. It helped me. And it was my quiet way of announcing to the world (if they even noticed it) that someone was lost.
Over time I found I didn\'t need to wear it anymore...in fact I noticed it became more of a heavy burden for me. So I packed it away soon after the baby\'s would be July due date with my other keepsakes. But on November 6th (anniv of when I found out I was pregnant) I found myself gravitating towards it. And I wore it for the first time in months. And it helped me feel comforted.
I know it\'s so easy for women to feel guilt.....but it is OK to not always be in touch with your grief. Like you said...it is self preservation. And for me I find it happens not by choice...it just happens. And I will think----did that happen to me? Was I pregnant? Did I have a miscarriage? Did that story happen to me? I feel a disconnect from it. And then a week later my emotions will be different.
Waves. Everything comes in waves.
I am sorry you have to attend a wedding right when your period is due. And knowing they could have a pregnancy announcement in the near future.
Thinking of you.
Thank you all for your thoughtful and supportive comments. AF is here with a vengeance. It feels so very cruel to have my body not only bounce back so fast after my pregnancy and D&C, but have it do so in such a harsh way. AF is so bad, like she\'s so angry that she had to come back so soon! Somehow, having AF arrive has reminded me this has all been real and brings back so many ugly emotions.
Infertility is a beast! I hope AF will pass quickly for you. The last couple of years AF every month has felt like a slap in the face. I think an emerald is a beautiful remembrance. Wishing you peace x
I think buying some jewelry is a good idea - I thought about it. But DH and I decided that while we would never forget the loss, we really needed to move on and leave it behind. You gotta do what you gotta do to survive. I really hope you get to enjoy the wedding and that AF waits until after then to show up. My first two AFs after the MC were quite heavy - not too crampy but heavy. Hugs to you!
I can definitely relate to your point about dreading to hear of your BIL & SIL expecting soon. My BIL is getting married in 2weeks and its a simular situation. It\'s very frustrating (for me at least) because you don\'t want to seem jealous or bitter, but you also don\'t want the twist of the knife that is already so deeply imbedded into your heart. I can only hope and pray that your journey will become brighter and joyful soon! Many hugs and well wishes for you!
So sorry for all that you\'re going through :( I know how hard it is- it\'s just terrible and no one should have to endure it. I too am dreading pregnancy announcements from a couple of recently married friends. Ugh, what an awful thing IF is for what it puts us through and what it does to us when it comes to being joyful and celebrating the joys of others. I wish you healing and strength to continue :) It\'s not easy but you will make it!