Just Needing to Express Myself
I don't have much to report, basically just needing to sort through some emotions. Today is 5 weeks since my D&C and I began spotting a few days ago. Usually before AF, I spot for a few days before the heavy bleeding begins. I've been spotting for 4 days now and am bracing for a bad period, since RE said it will probably be heavier and crampier than usual (I already have very heavy periods with terrible cramps). Figures the first period since my mc will hit on one of the worst days: my BIL is getting married on Sunday and my guess is that bitch AF will be bad that day.
I'm struggling with this concept of moving on. I think I'm in the denial stage of grief, because it feels like this past year was a dream - the ERs, the FETs, being pregnant, the miscarriage. Especially the mc and being pregnant, I feel like it never happened and I feel guilt and sadness to feel that way. It's like I've forgotten, and how sad to think I could forget my baby and my very painful loss. I guess this must be a way of self-preservation, because to think of the heaviness of this loss and what lies ahead is just too overwhelming. I am going to buy a piece of jewelry with an emerald birthstone so I can wear it and remind myself this was all real and my baby was and always will be a part of me.
So I mention my BIL is getting married on Sunday. I'm really happy for him, and I really love my new SIL. However, they want kids very very badly, and are going to start trying like yesterday. I am so fearful they are going to announce a pregnancy soon and I just don't know how I will handle this. I love spending time with DH's family, but I'm already plotting ways to get out of future family gatherings to avoid hearing an announcement. I really loathe IF and what it does to us. Sunday marks the day of a new beginning for them, while for me, this time marks an ending.
Thanks for reading this, and of course, for your amazing support! I don't know where I'd be without you ladies; I fear it would be a very dark and awful place!!!!
Love to all xoxoxo
I'm struggling with this concept of moving on. I think I'm in the denial stage of grief, because it feels like this past year was a dream - the ERs, the FETs, being pregnant, the miscarriage. Especially the mc and being pregnant, I feel like it never happened and I feel guilt and sadness to feel that way. It's like I've forgotten, and how sad to think I could forget my baby and my very painful loss. I guess this must be a way of self-preservation, because to think of the heaviness of this loss and what lies ahead is just too overwhelming. I am going to buy a piece of jewelry with an emerald birthstone so I can wear it and remind myself this was all real and my baby was and always will be a part of me.
So I mention my BIL is getting married on Sunday. I'm really happy for him, and I really love my new SIL. However, they want kids very very badly, and are going to start trying like yesterday. I am so fearful they are going to announce a pregnancy soon and I just don't know how I will handle this. I love spending time with DH's family, but I'm already plotting ways to get out of future family gatherings to avoid hearing an announcement. I really loathe IF and what it does to us. Sunday marks the day of a new beginning for them, while for me, this time marks an ending.
Thanks for reading this, and of course, for your amazing support! I don't know where I'd be without you ladies; I fear it would be a very dark and awful place!!!!
Love to all xoxoxo
Replies
I love your emerald idea.
I think self preservation is very important right now. Don\'t worry about moving on and just take it one day at a time.
Sending love your way!
I love the necklace idea. What a beautiful way to remember your baby :)
I hope Sunday isn\'t too hard for you and that you feel alright. I agree with you- IF has the ability to take the joy out of occasions and it sucks. Thinking about you friend!!
I wish I could give you a hug right now. I hate what IF has put you through, it really breaks my heart.
I think getting an emerald necklace is such a beautiful idea.
Always here if you need anything and know I am keeping you in my prayers xo
So glad to hear an update. I am so so sorry for the hurt. I know there\'s nothing that can be said to make it better. I love the idea of an emerald. I have a Chamilia bracelet and when we had our miscarriage, my sister bought me a beautiful angel charm. I\'m always reminded- in a good way.
I\'m sorry you are struggling with your emotions. Don\'t feel guilty about that. Feeling \"better\" does not mean in any way that you are \"over\" it. You will never be \"over\" it. The emerald idea is wonderful, and you will know that you are feeling better when you can look at it and smile with the thought of your angel instead of looking at it and crying. Thinking of you
I really like the idea of getting the necklace, it will be such a special symbolization of your sweet baby. I can just imagine how hard it must be to try to move on. I wouldn\'t rush a thing and just take one day at a time. And on the days that seem impossible to face, come here, were here for you...xoxo. Sending you a huge hug.
I\'m sorry that you had to go through this. Moving forward is hard, especially when the future is so uncertain. I also like your idea about the emerald jewelry.
After I had my losses, I browsed a website called faces of loss, faces of hope. It\'s a website where women who have experienced a miscarriage or infant loss can write about their experience. It helped me to be able to get it all out, especially because there were points in time where I really felt like friends were so uncomfortable hearing about what happened, and sometimes it seemed like people wanted me to, \"just get over it\". Anyway, you just seemed like a prolific writer, and it\'s just another outlet that\'s really supportive as well.
I spent 12 years avoiding pregnant women, baby showers and family events where potential pregnancy announcements could be made. What I learned from that is that as hard as it is to be around all that when you\'re struggling with IF, it\'s even harder keeping yourself on the outside. Over time it gets real lonely. Celebrate with your family when the baby is announced and be a part of this little ones life. It could end up being you best little buddy and fill some of the pain. Your time will come and you will be the one announcing and celebrating!!!!
I could not agree more, sadly, IF does take the joy out of most things! I am so there with you and the fear of birth announcements, one of my best friends just got married and I am already preparing how I am gonna handle her getting knocked up before me ugh! And like the others ladies have said, you get through your loss anyway you can, there is no right way to grieve, you\'re doing the best that you can! Also love the emerald memorial necklace idea, I was going to get a tatoo for my \"babies\" but people always ask what tatoos \"are for\" or \"mean\", I just would\'nt want to have to go into it everyitme some should ask and selfishly I think that with my 5 losses my necklace would be pretty awesome, hey I should get something nice for all my trouble! Big hugs sweetie, things will get better!! XO
I am sorry you are hurting and sorry how IF puts on in situations where we try to avoid people we love because we fear their happy announcements. But do what you need to do for yourself right now. Protect your heart. I LOVE your necklace idea. I may have to steal it. Hope AF waits until Monday and you can enjoy the wedding in peace. Hugs hun. XOXO
Denial is the best stage of grief after an mc. You need a break from tge constant crying and pain. I hope AF is kind. I always seem thought it was hard to see that my body was getting back to normal when my heart wasn\'t. I hope you can enjoy the wedding. It is so hard to know that you will have to face these birth announcements. Try to do something special just for you. Plus enjoy a drink at the wedding. It will take time but we are here for you.
Hugs
I got a necklace also and I was really surprised how much it helped me. I also have the same fears about my younger sister starting a family. I feel terrible and selfish for thinking it but can\'t help it. So I hear ya and sending you hugs, chocolate and a heating pad! ;)
After my loss in March I got an aquamarine ring and a keepsake necklace with different charms. One of the charms had an aquamarine stone. I spent a month after my loss just going on the website and picking charms to design the necklace. I was a little obsessed about getting this necklace, but that\'s what kept me sane during that time. Here\'s a link if you\'re interested in similar necklaces... http://www.luxe-design.com/SHOP-STERLING-SILVER-CHARMS-s/46.htm
I\'m so sorry you are hurting. I think of you often. Praying you find some peace. I think the emerald necklace is a Beautiful idea. You will never forget your baby with or without Necklace though. Xoxo
Sorting through emotions...I think we all probably do that on a weekly if not daily basis. You have a lot of major events and emotions to work through. It is good you are ackowledging them through writing. It will help you clear your mind a little. And even though you might be feeliing a little guilt over thinking that you have forgotten your baby and your loss, you haven\'t. Just talking about that shows you haven\'t. And you never will. It might get tucked away in the back of your mind at times, but that doesn\'t mean you have forgotten. I think the necklace is a wonderful idea and a wonderful and healing way to keep your baby with you.