Just make it stop...

Yesterday, I decided to take a big step and make a post about being sexually abused as a child/teen. To be honest, at first it felt good to try to get some type of help from others like me but now all I want to do is crawl into a ball and cry. Which I can't. I don't want my wife to see me that way. Not to mention my niece is in town for a short visit and I can't let her think I can't hold it together. Talking about one thing started a chain reaction of thinking about everything that happened in my childhood. My niece knows her mother mentally and physically abused us because I've overheard my sister joking about it in front of her before. I have to be able to hold it together for my niece. My sister is a cruel mother (not as messed up as she was as a child) and I want my niece to know she can make it out strong. Why can't I force myself to feel that way again? I want to make it all go away..