Just mad.

   Well, let's see....much more mentally stable than yesterday, that's good. Stomach acting up more, that's bad. Still fatigued. No one I can call and talk to; everyone is out doing their picnics and barbecues. J had to work, and I feel like crap. Luckily, L is on her computer. At nine years old, she seems to be able to take not having people around in stride more than I would think. She's so used to not having family or friends that being alone is not such a big deal to her. And she's old enough to call her friends if she wants to talk. I just wish there were cousins or someone with whom she could play with at least once in a while.  As for venting.....this holiday makes me realize yet another damn way that menopause has screwed up. Besides taking over my mind and body, it permeates the household and completely f***s up things like holidays and get-togethers. Whenever some kind soul asks us if we'd come over, I have to say "we'll see", and even when I explain what I'm going through, they don't understand, and misinterpret it as "if we feel like it; it's not that important to us, etc.". Then they stop asking. And J has to work Sat and Sun and most holidays, so there's another element of uncertainty as to whether we'll make it to anything.   Once the RealBadMenopause S**t set in on Dec 4, 2005, the X'mas seasons have been simply horrible. As the female head of the household, it is up to me to maintain a fun-filled, jolly atmosphere and have the energy to bake cookies, do crafts, make presents, hang up decorations, and arrange activities. Needless to say, for the last 2 X'mases, thanks to menopause, I was unable to perform any but the most necessary and basic tasks (organize gifts from Santa, attend X'mas programs, etc.). I didn't do cards for anyone but the closest members of the family, I didn't make any cookies (a task I love), we didn't go carolling or do anything fun. J did put up a tree; I lay on the couch and watched he and L decorate it. The whole season was frought with depression, misery, fatigue, and, of course, guilt. And since we have no other family, there was no one at all to come in and bring help and cheer.    This last part is very important. If there are more than 2 adults responsible for Everything, then the work is lightened, and there are standbys if something happens, like menopause, and one of the two main adults is out of commision. If anyone reading this has family and/or friends who help you, when you are feeling good, make sure you know how much they mean to you, please. I know I would be doing better if there were someone lending a hand, even just once in a while.    I keep trying to focus on things getting better, but the improvement is taking too long. A few months ago, I had two 2-week periods of Normalcy, and I thought "AllRIGHT!! I can now have two weeks between Bad Episodes!" But it went back to every week.    Very, very hard. Especially with no aunt or sister or someone around to fall back on. J is wonderful, but I can't keep relying on him to provide all my emotional anchorage. It's not fair to him.