just keep trying!

I am laughing because I don't want to cry and I guess that's just how life is.

I went to a lunch meeting yesterday - first one in a long time - and I noticed my 

reticence to be open and positive about all we were talking about - and so I tried my

best to be positive (and veered away from feelings like I was being a 'stick in the mud'.)

After the meeting I came home and my Dad called. We talked about the positive nature of the meeting.

Then I went on to deal with the rest of the day. I found myself going for those negative feelings again.

Putting up - incremental boundaries (i don't know if that makes sense but I realized how I habitually

had some negative thoughts) but also not wanting to be a negative person I tried to just be open

and deal with the day. I went to work this morning and just felt so sloppy and like I had no boundary.

I was seriously trying to not be negative but noticed that at times that's where my crazy thoughts went...but

they weren't me - I kept telling myself. I wondered about the nature of that kind of 'engine within.' I thought

too about an old family friend who used to bicker with her husband all the time. When he passed she said to me "I have no one to fight with!!" - I thought that was kind of cute - but in terms of myself I wondered if I had the same kind of propensity within. Anyways I couldn't put a handle on it - and I guess I really can't say...but I went to work- then came home - and went to get my haircut - first real interpersonal contact for the day - and I didn't know 'how to be' - I just

felt kind of happy to be there but also I (as I ever do with myself) told myself that I need to be open and positive.

The hairdresser kind of dissed me at the end and for whatever reason I felt totally crestfallen from the event.

Like I was stupid and TOO OPEN... and not self protective. I realize there's always going to be shit like this - and I do need to be open and positive - but I also need to protect myself and PROCESS the shit that comes - cause it will come - always does - but that's part of life... SO i feel silly - and I decided to have a beer and some snacks and now I am sitting in front of the tely. Waiting for my schedule - will go to work one last time tomorrow. For some reason I don't care a whole lot anymore - things aren't too bad I just feel a bit crackers. Peace!! xx