just keep swimming just keep swimming....

my father-in-law is not in a good way. he is currently in ICU.  he is 89 years old, its not that death isnt expected when a person is so old. but it doesnt make it less sad or traumatic.he fell twice in the past 2 weeks, and bleeding on the brain. he had emergency surgery last night late. as you all know, its not the drill, its not the facts, or the motions, that are difficult to go through. its all the emotions ..... ...... as you all know, i went through so much, going such a long way with jessy, i felt almost as if i'd seen her to the point of her death and there we had to part. the last months of illness, all the details. oh god. now its pappa in hospital. and its facing so much all over again.  the smell of the hospital is choking me again. the medical stuff, his weakness, the oxygen, his decreasing ability to see, eat, recognise us, even respond!  its like the smell of death, and today i fell asleep at the hospital! can you believe it!  i went to see pappa, then went into the sitting area, another lady asked after us. i told her the situation and she told me hers.  then i said, i lost my child this time last year.i put my head down, and woke up 2 hours later!!!then i went in to see pappa again and went home. my husband is broken. not because he didnt know pappa was going to reach this point, but because pappa LIVES with us, we take care of him.there's no saying even, if he's going to come home again. if he does, he will be to a degree brain-damaged, and i dont know how we are going to emotionally cope with all that, although we would NEVER let someone else look after him now, we could never do that to him. and me, if he dies, how am i going to go through the whole death process again?  how am i going to do it?  i am so sad. i'm missing jessy. i cant believe jessy is dead. i cant believe anything. i guess i am just feeling a bit detached. maybe thats what i need to do right now to get through this.