Just journaling
WOW! Just read my last journal entry from 2013. I was an idiot! I have learned so much about relationships and psychology of them. I would go back and forth from this support group (the moving ons) and the one on divorce busting (the psychology of winning them back) and of course my real therapist (until the money ran out) and then I found Chumplady.com (of which I wish I knew about from the get go). I am definitely a stronger woman, mother, and overall supporter of leave a cheater save your life.
I'm not 100% there to "meh" and indifference yet and I'm not sure I will ever get there. I just know that I have hit acceptance. It is what it is. I reach out and help those I know that have gone through or are having difficult issues in their marriages. It truly is something to have lived through and survived to truly understand the pain and destruction of betrayal. I go used to go back and forth thinking it was me. It wasn't me. It was all about him; his ego.
I will never understand it. I gave up trying to figure it out in hopes of trying to fortitude and salvage something. After 5 years with OW he's still with her and in "LaLa Land". I'm sure she's not ALL that and is pursuing him for marriage. He'll cave in pretty soon. I don't know how I'll be about that. But it's whatever.
I don't ever want him back or to return. I told my D once that if her dad ever gave her a letter for me from him that I would burn it before I ever opened it. I don't want to hear whatever he has to say. I don't want him at my funeral not will I be there at his. It's not anger or bitterness. Its' what it is. He is no one to me at this point in my life. I don't talk about him nor do I talk bad about him. His actions towards our kids say more than any words or phone calls. He is responsible for no one but himself.
My biggest anxiety right now is the future...mostly funerals and death of our parents or close friends where I know I will have to interact, especially if its his side of the family. My kids marriage...not in any near future and right now they are very bitter against marriage so not too worried about that right now. But I'm learning not to worry about something that hasn't happened.
I'm evolving into an independent woman. Still trying to find my direction and trying to prepare for the total independence when my disabled D no longer needs my assistance. X is quick to point out and judge, yet isn't here to help or even aware of our life.
I tried online dating. Not for me. Yet, i find it very difficult to meet anyone socially as I am usually always with my D. But I'm ok with that because I know God has a plan. I know I'm not going to end my days alone and it will happen when I least expect it and it will be the love I know I deserve and be so much more than I ever had with X.
If anything I feel sorry for the X that he felt he was so trapped in such a warped mind fuckery of what he thought our marriage was. I don't know about forgiveness and knowing he's happy kind of thing, but he deserves what he got when he left. It opened doors for me and I am now more without him than I ever was with him! I actually like my life without him in it and I can even reflect back on our marriage and say that he sucked in a lot of ways. I couldn't say that a year ago; I would go to the end of the earth to defend him and our marriage. But, not anymore. The rose colored glasses have fallen off. Yeah, if i happen across a photo of him it still makes my heart pang, but only because of the man I knew him as. And, yes, I still find him attractive even more so now as we have aged. But then some angel slaps me and I am startled out of my haze. Yeah, he's a cheat and liar and not a very good person deep inside he's broken and that's what I see. He is ugly inside. She (OW) can have all that and the baggage he's carrying around which I'm sure is a lot given the circumstances of our D and how he left. He will live with that and allthough he has somehow eluded it and told family and friends a different story, it will catch up to him. And I don't want to know about it. I don't want him to tell me he's sorry, ever. Not even on his death bed. Because I will not be there. Because I no longer care.
I still haven't looked at pictures even with the kids living with me, and they have asked. I just can't go down that path yet. I may get there or I may just hand over all the pictures to X and tell him to deal with it. it will be easier on him. Maybe he OW will find them and realize the destruction of all that happened. I guess just wishful thinking because if she had any ounce of truth or empathy she would already know what she got involved in. I don't blame her for the divorce. But i do feel she never knew the truth which is what we all want the OW to know.
My XFIL once asked his divorced daughters' X if he made the right decision to leave and if it was worth his happiness. I know my XFIL was asking with thoughts of his own son's divorce (mine). And his reply was "yes". But they didn't have children and were only married 2 years which is hardly comparable. But when I asked him (the X) about the marriage he said she was they only person he every truly was in love with. Go figure. He's been married now about 8 years and has 2 young kids while in his 50's.
Gone is the dream of my parents and grandparents and 50 years of undying love and matriarch. But instead I got the pillar of strength and heart of gold, but most importantly I earned the respect and love from my kids. If it is never shown or told to my X how they really feel about the divorce, I know deep in my heart that my kids know I loved their dad through it all, went to the ends of the earth to save him, and had to endure the finality of that love.
So here I am. Surviving...Living MY life...and getting the best revenge. Being the best me.
I'm not 100% there to "meh" and indifference yet and I'm not sure I will ever get there. I just know that I have hit acceptance. It is what it is. I reach out and help those I know that have gone through or are having difficult issues in their marriages. It truly is something to have lived through and survived to truly understand the pain and destruction of betrayal. I go used to go back and forth thinking it was me. It wasn't me. It was all about him; his ego.
I will never understand it. I gave up trying to figure it out in hopes of trying to fortitude and salvage something. After 5 years with OW he's still with her and in "LaLa Land". I'm sure she's not ALL that and is pursuing him for marriage. He'll cave in pretty soon. I don't know how I'll be about that. But it's whatever.
I don't ever want him back or to return. I told my D once that if her dad ever gave her a letter for me from him that I would burn it before I ever opened it. I don't want to hear whatever he has to say. I don't want him at my funeral not will I be there at his. It's not anger or bitterness. Its' what it is. He is no one to me at this point in my life. I don't talk about him nor do I talk bad about him. His actions towards our kids say more than any words or phone calls. He is responsible for no one but himself.
My biggest anxiety right now is the future...mostly funerals and death of our parents or close friends where I know I will have to interact, especially if its his side of the family. My kids marriage...not in any near future and right now they are very bitter against marriage so not too worried about that right now. But I'm learning not to worry about something that hasn't happened.
I'm evolving into an independent woman. Still trying to find my direction and trying to prepare for the total independence when my disabled D no longer needs my assistance. X is quick to point out and judge, yet isn't here to help or even aware of our life.
I tried online dating. Not for me. Yet, i find it very difficult to meet anyone socially as I am usually always with my D. But I'm ok with that because I know God has a plan. I know I'm not going to end my days alone and it will happen when I least expect it and it will be the love I know I deserve and be so much more than I ever had with X.
If anything I feel sorry for the X that he felt he was so trapped in such a warped mind fuckery of what he thought our marriage was. I don't know about forgiveness and knowing he's happy kind of thing, but he deserves what he got when he left. It opened doors for me and I am now more without him than I ever was with him! I actually like my life without him in it and I can even reflect back on our marriage and say that he sucked in a lot of ways. I couldn't say that a year ago; I would go to the end of the earth to defend him and our marriage. But, not anymore. The rose colored glasses have fallen off. Yeah, if i happen across a photo of him it still makes my heart pang, but only because of the man I knew him as. And, yes, I still find him attractive even more so now as we have aged. But then some angel slaps me and I am startled out of my haze. Yeah, he's a cheat and liar and not a very good person deep inside he's broken and that's what I see. He is ugly inside. She (OW) can have all that and the baggage he's carrying around which I'm sure is a lot given the circumstances of our D and how he left. He will live with that and allthough he has somehow eluded it and told family and friends a different story, it will catch up to him. And I don't want to know about it. I don't want him to tell me he's sorry, ever. Not even on his death bed. Because I will not be there. Because I no longer care.
I still haven't looked at pictures even with the kids living with me, and they have asked. I just can't go down that path yet. I may get there or I may just hand over all the pictures to X and tell him to deal with it. it will be easier on him. Maybe he OW will find them and realize the destruction of all that happened. I guess just wishful thinking because if she had any ounce of truth or empathy she would already know what she got involved in. I don't blame her for the divorce. But i do feel she never knew the truth which is what we all want the OW to know.
My XFIL once asked his divorced daughters' X if he made the right decision to leave and if it was worth his happiness. I know my XFIL was asking with thoughts of his own son's divorce (mine). And his reply was "yes". But they didn't have children and were only married 2 years which is hardly comparable. But when I asked him (the X) about the marriage he said she was they only person he every truly was in love with. Go figure. He's been married now about 8 years and has 2 young kids while in his 50's.
Gone is the dream of my parents and grandparents and 50 years of undying love and matriarch. But instead I got the pillar of strength and heart of gold, but most importantly I earned the respect and love from my kids. If it is never shown or told to my X how they really feel about the divorce, I know deep in my heart that my kids know I loved their dad through it all, went to the ends of the earth to save him, and had to endure the finality of that love.
So here I am. Surviving...Living MY life...and getting the best revenge. Being the best me.
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