Just in Time

I got caught up on sleep just in time for my brother to call me today and want to meet.  We talked for 2 hours.  I cried a lot.  I have a better understanding of where he is coming from.  I think he has a better understanding of where I am coming from.  We agreed that it is unfortunate my parents will never change their perspective on any of the issues.  He did make me feel patronized at the very beginning of the conversation, but I did tell him it wasn't necessary to speak to me that way - the last time I looked my IQ was over 100 and I would appreciate him not being patronizing with me. 
I don't know.  Maybe there can be growth from here as far as our relationship - at least to some degree, but I am not sure about that.  Although the remainder of the conversation went well, he carries a lot of bitterness from his childhood and his illness. I have different perceptions (which is normal considering he is much older and a half brother in reality) and I am just in a different place.  He still presented as more knowledgeable, a little better and like he knew a little bit more about my issues than I did.  I still can't see us breaching our equally busy lives to find out, actually.  But, there was some resolution to some misunderstandings, some shared wisdom in our family's lack of communication and our parents being absent while we were growing up.  So, I guess it is not a gaping wound now between us, but still too much in between to really be close like we were as kids and for now and this time, that is okay and probably where each of us needs to be, focused more on ourselves and our healing than ending up picking each other apart.
Now that I've told my son's principal that if he has any huge insights to help, I am open to hearing them (rather implying, if not, then get off my back), agreed to participate in an Arabic competition and teach my class debke (I need more to do) and cried a bunch of family tears, I am going to feed my kids and FINALLY study for this Anthro test!!!

Replies

pageo
pageo

it is interesting to me what you have to say about your brother.

What I realize in dysfunctional families... families where the parents were not able to meet their childrens needs.

Mostly like what you express, my relationship with my brother is opposite of what it was when I was a child.

What I have deternined is that to have a relationship with a sybling who I was involved with on a childhood level inside of the dysfuction with me , well, that we would both have to be open to repairing the relationship and it would have to be a conscious effort. but when older sibs are still taking on the role of older or younger or what ever it is... as long as it is not two adults speaking and it is old roles, the relationship doesn\'t change... it has to change with both people as adults.

So, to give you an idea where I come from on this particular subject because I have a younger brother who likes his superiority etc... is that there is no relationship now. I don\'t do patronizing. But that is me because I have grown into accepting that the child hood relationship was one thing and now as adults we do not have a connection and we shouldn\'t have to. That is something to understand right there. Just because he is my brother by blood doesn\'t make him my brother on an energetic level today.

Rather than trying to rekindle what I had as a child I accept what is real today.

I know my reply is long but for some reason I feel sharing this might be helpful. I can say more on this subject as far as how I dealt with it and what now could be called growth. Just let me know if you would be interested in more information.

Good for you taking a stand on boundaries ... Letting brother know where he stops and you begin. Every now and then I do the family tears. Not often though. Most of the grieving is over. It is good that you can experience those tears and then get on with things. ((hug)) pageo