Just In Case
Just in case my friends did not read my last comment inspired by Vicki's comment, here it is repeated, I feel it is that important for me to express. And "Thank You" Vicki, for writning your comment:
So the GUILT I carry around...and have carried around, all my life, is the guilt that I can, or did, MAKE my mother (or father) un-happy, I hurt her/his feelings and made her cry/him angry (and we ALL know crying is wrong, especially MAKING someone cry because then you're MEAN and terrible and unwanted) so I became a "Co-dependent"; because of my terrible powers to hurt others, even when I'm behaving the way I want just being myself? So I harm other people whenever I'm being myself; and I better stop doing that behavior? Whichever one hurts or CAUSES anger or unhappiness in someone else?
WHOA!!!! I'm feeling afraid, and anxious, for avoiding feeling guilty because someone else BLAMES MEEEE!!!! for how THEYYYYY!!!! FEEL!!!???
I have been taught, no CONDITIONED, NO! ...Abused! THREATENED with punishment by abandonment, , to believe I can't, or MAY NOT, be myself because it MIGHT hurt someone else's feelings, that they actually deny being able to control themselves???!!! I was taught to accept the BLAME for EVERYTHING that goes wrong and MAKES people feel BAD or HURT???!!!
Is this what you're telling Me? And then THEY seek me out because they KNOW I'll feel guilty; and then THEY can be relieved by making me feel BAD and hurt and wrong ON FUCKING PURPOSE!!! And THEN I BLAME myself TOO!!!???
I'm starting to get the true picture here. I'm thinking AND feeling "Maybe I should stop doing this, playing this GAME." How about if I make it "okay" to hurt other people if that's the way they want to feel as they choose to perceive what I do. How about if I LET them feel hurt and falsely blame me? How about I don't try to "fix" them, their feelings, because they falsely claim I have magical powers to make them happy or un-happy?
How about if I stop trying to control anyone but myself? How about if I learn how to set a boundary for my guilt? This ISN'T really about the OTHER person, at all! THIS lesson is about me learning to stop punishing myself by agreeing to feel bad for volunteering to be a victim for feeling guilty, and ashamed, for not being a "Better ME, for everyone else except ME"!
HOW DARE I THINK AND FEEL FOR MYSELF TO PROTECT MYSELF!!! THAT MAKES OTHER PEOPLE SAD, AND ANGRY!!! THEY demand I take care of their feelings for THEM! They claim they are handicapped and helpless for how they feel. "They" ACT hurt, as a way to get attention for getting what they want: control over me, in order to take care of THEIR feelings of self-worth, by "making me agree to be a victim".
Ya' know...., the more I write this the more I see a need for a change in "triggers" for asserting my boundaries for how I feel around others.
I'm guessing there are a lot of US (meaning me) who have also used "depression" as a way to show how bad we feel in order to get attention. It IS a projection; it is what we've been taught..: "act hurt" (Blame something) and then someone who feels responsible for "fixing everything", i.e., ("bad feelings") your feelings, the ones you don't want to fix yourself because "it's too hard to understand REALITY and the lack of infinite power to control life and have everything you ask for", will try to "fix" you by giving you the attention you need for expressing how disappointed you are over some event that you refused to accept you have no magical powers over. It can be over grieving the simplest thing that "didn't happen" the way you predicted it needed to be "in order to feel happy", or happier.
I'm guessing/speculating that it all comes down to how unhappy we let ourselves feel for not being able to control everything to be like what we fantasize it SHOULD be, because we can't seem to accept reality as just as good and rewarding as our fantasy, if we change our judgment, or stop it all together. It is the quality of accepting WHAT IS, AS IT IS, as good enough, without judgment about what is good or what is bad. It is learning to stop predicting the future "good" or "bad" in anything, and look for some "thing", some idol or symbol, you like or something you don't like as a positive and helping lesson of what you want more of or less of for your self's benefit. Since "we" really can't tell what the future result will be with what is happening NOW, whether it will eventually (it the future) be something we accept or reject for our fantasy feeling needs, to learn to stop judging and evaluating every moment. Learn a sense of wonder about feeling guilty; and learning to release, "let go of", the paranoia surrounding the feeling that EVERYONE is watching US to see if "we (Me, Myself, and I)" behave in a way that THEY can claim hurts their feelings so that we can fear we will allow ourselves feel the pain of guilt once again; until we learn to stop doing that.
Soooo...., here's the question: How many times do we have to feel paranoid about experiencing feelings of hurt and pain for allowing ourselves to feel guilty for how others claim they feel because of us being who we are to enjoy being and accepting ourselves no matter what they accuse us of? At what point do we learn to stop and let go of the automatic GUILT for sympathizing with someone else's fantasy feelings? When do we learn to give up the guilt for our own projected guilt? I guess as many as it takes to recognize the dysfunctional habit, let it go, and create a healthier response. Until then it will be the "same ol' same ol'" habit. I guess my work is cut out for me: don't EXPECT (blame) those other people to stop blaming me so I can stop blaming myself.
I DO feel that this commentary Vicki has brought out of me is where my feelings of "paranoia" come from: guilt for being blamed for causing someone else's feelings. The guilt MAKES me "protector" of anyone else's emotions. No WONDER I protect my emotions and I'm such an emotional wreck. Because I wrongly still believe that "IT'S MY JOB TO KEEP EVERYONE HAPPY AND SATISFIED!!!" Because I'm the one responsible for causing all their hurt feeling, or anything else that goes "wrong".
I QUIT!!!
;-D
So the GUILT I carry around...and have carried around, all my life, is the guilt that I can, or did, MAKE my mother (or father) un-happy, I hurt her/his feelings and made her cry/him angry (and we ALL know crying is wrong, especially MAKING someone cry because then you're MEAN and terrible and unwanted) so I became a "Co-dependent"; because of my terrible powers to hurt others, even when I'm behaving the way I want just being myself? So I harm other people whenever I'm being myself; and I better stop doing that behavior? Whichever one hurts or CAUSES anger or unhappiness in someone else?
WHOA!!!! I'm feeling afraid, and anxious, for avoiding feeling guilty because someone else BLAMES MEEEE!!!! for how THEYYYYY!!!! FEEL!!!???
I have been taught, no CONDITIONED, NO! ...Abused! THREATENED with punishment by abandonment, , to believe I can't, or MAY NOT, be myself because it MIGHT hurt someone else's feelings, that they actually deny being able to control themselves???!!! I was taught to accept the BLAME for EVERYTHING that goes wrong and MAKES people feel BAD or HURT???!!!
Is this what you're telling Me? And then THEY seek me out because they KNOW I'll feel guilty; and then THEY can be relieved by making me feel BAD and hurt and wrong ON FUCKING PURPOSE!!! And THEN I BLAME myself TOO!!!???
I'm starting to get the true picture here. I'm thinking AND feeling "Maybe I should stop doing this, playing this GAME." How about if I make it "okay" to hurt other people if that's the way they want to feel as they choose to perceive what I do. How about if I LET them feel hurt and falsely blame me? How about I don't try to "fix" them, their feelings, because they falsely claim I have magical powers to make them happy or un-happy?
How about if I stop trying to control anyone but myself? How about if I learn how to set a boundary for my guilt? This ISN'T really about the OTHER person, at all! THIS lesson is about me learning to stop punishing myself by agreeing to feel bad for volunteering to be a victim for feeling guilty, and ashamed, for not being a "Better ME, for everyone else except ME"!
HOW DARE I THINK AND FEEL FOR MYSELF TO PROTECT MYSELF!!! THAT MAKES OTHER PEOPLE SAD, AND ANGRY!!! THEY demand I take care of their feelings for THEM! They claim they are handicapped and helpless for how they feel. "They" ACT hurt, as a way to get attention for getting what they want: control over me, in order to take care of THEIR feelings of self-worth, by "making me agree to be a victim".
Ya' know...., the more I write this the more I see a need for a change in "triggers" for asserting my boundaries for how I feel around others.
I'm guessing there are a lot of US (meaning me) who have also used "depression" as a way to show how bad we feel in order to get attention. It IS a projection; it is what we've been taught..: "act hurt" (Blame something) and then someone who feels responsible for "fixing everything", i.e., ("bad feelings") your feelings, the ones you don't want to fix yourself because "it's too hard to understand REALITY and the lack of infinite power to control life and have everything you ask for", will try to "fix" you by giving you the attention you need for expressing how disappointed you are over some event that you refused to accept you have no magical powers over. It can be over grieving the simplest thing that "didn't happen" the way you predicted it needed to be "in order to feel happy", or happier.
I'm guessing/speculating that it all comes down to how unhappy we let ourselves feel for not being able to control everything to be like what we fantasize it SHOULD be, because we can't seem to accept reality as just as good and rewarding as our fantasy, if we change our judgment, or stop it all together. It is the quality of accepting WHAT IS, AS IT IS, as good enough, without judgment about what is good or what is bad. It is learning to stop predicting the future "good" or "bad" in anything, and look for some "thing", some idol or symbol, you like or something you don't like as a positive and helping lesson of what you want more of or less of for your self's benefit. Since "we" really can't tell what the future result will be with what is happening NOW, whether it will eventually (it the future) be something we accept or reject for our fantasy feeling needs, to learn to stop judging and evaluating every moment. Learn a sense of wonder about feeling guilty; and learning to release, "let go of", the paranoia surrounding the feeling that EVERYONE is watching US to see if "we (Me, Myself, and I)" behave in a way that THEY can claim hurts their feelings so that we can fear we will allow ourselves feel the pain of guilt once again; until we learn to stop doing that.
Soooo...., here's the question: How many times do we have to feel paranoid about experiencing feelings of hurt and pain for allowing ourselves to feel guilty for how others claim they feel because of us being who we are to enjoy being and accepting ourselves no matter what they accuse us of? At what point do we learn to stop and let go of the automatic GUILT for sympathizing with someone else's fantasy feelings? When do we learn to give up the guilt for our own projected guilt? I guess as many as it takes to recognize the dysfunctional habit, let it go, and create a healthier response. Until then it will be the "same ol' same ol'" habit. I guess my work is cut out for me: don't EXPECT (blame) those other people to stop blaming me so I can stop blaming myself.
I DO feel that this commentary Vicki has brought out of me is where my feelings of "paranoia" come from: guilt for being blamed for causing someone else's feelings. The guilt MAKES me "protector" of anyone else's emotions. No WONDER I protect my emotions and I'm such an emotional wreck. Because I wrongly still believe that "IT'S MY JOB TO KEEP EVERYONE HAPPY AND SATISFIED!!!" Because I'm the one responsible for causing all their hurt feeling, or anything else that goes "wrong".
I QUIT!!!
;-D
Replies
Hi Rich,
Yes, for me it is all about guilt - a an employer once said \"Guilt, the gift that keeps giving\". I think I will quit, too. I have been paying attention to and listening to the language of blame in my family. And wow, there is an expectation, big time, of \"should be mind readers\".
My mom will say \"Oh, I should not have mentioned X to Y, then they would not have called you.\" Or \"I am sorry, I should not have done X Y or Z because then W happened.\" Yeah, we are trained to think that way, and to project responsibility of the Universe and everyone in it onto our own shoulders. I quit, too!
Hugs (and Thanks for sharing, this topic)
Shar
Years ago I had a friend who used to say \"guilt was nothing more than pre-meditated murder!\" Boy, it only connected thirty-some yrs. later; but, I AM NOT going to feel \"guilty\" that it took so long! :-) There, see how I am getting it! :-)
This Step 5 has really grabbed my interest and I am reading it every day; I have realized how much I have unconsciously tried to make my children feel \"guilty\" sooooooo many times. And, as you say Shar \"language of blame in the family.\" I guit, too! NO MORE DOING IT AND NO MORE TAKING IT ON!