Just Hanging In There
Dear Fred:
I finally went to a Grief Counselor yesterday. She was surprisingly easy to talk to. It was a "get acquainted" session. I never thought I would pay $95 an hour to just talk to someone. I am hoping this will turn out to be a good thing.
I had no idea I still had such true rage against the doctor who misdiagnosed Nick and also the surgeon who refused to do any follow up treatments like radiation or chemotherapy. I knew I still was very angry but the intensity surprised me as I told her about it. I had told her that working on this anger is one of my main goals. I need to let enough of it go so it does not continue to eat me up.
Tonight I tried something really new for me. A support group opened up. It is hosted by Christ Community Church. When the session started it was as first 100% religious based & how we are all sinners. Since Nick did not believe in God or anything after death and I am an agnostic, I was most uncomfortable. We then went into sharing what our losses are. I told them they may want me to leave the group due to my lack of organized religious belief. All of them, including the group facilitator, let me know they wanted me to stay. I really appreciated the support and nonjudgmental attitude.
Even though it will seem strange and is not quite what I had hoped for in a support group I feel it still may be helpful. So, I plan to continue to go and get as much good from it as possible. I need help and even though this isn't what I quite had in mind it may be a step towards healing.
I also am reading books on my own that deal with the grief process. Even though I am doing these things I cannot say I am feeling any better. I seem to cry less. However, the hopelessness and emptiness seem to be a permanent part of me now. Perhaps you just get used to feeling this way and that's what is meant when people tell you "it will get better in time".
I don't see how things will ever really "get Better" as no matter what I do, Nick will still be gone. I feel like I am just doing things to try to fill up the time. However, I am glad I am finally trying out the things that the "experts" say will help (groups counseling, reading).
This seems to be about enough rambling for the night. Thanks for listening, Fred.
Darlene 10/4/2011
I finally went to a Grief Counselor yesterday. She was surprisingly easy to talk to. It was a "get acquainted" session. I never thought I would pay $95 an hour to just talk to someone. I am hoping this will turn out to be a good thing.
I had no idea I still had such true rage against the doctor who misdiagnosed Nick and also the surgeon who refused to do any follow up treatments like radiation or chemotherapy. I knew I still was very angry but the intensity surprised me as I told her about it. I had told her that working on this anger is one of my main goals. I need to let enough of it go so it does not continue to eat me up.
Tonight I tried something really new for me. A support group opened up. It is hosted by Christ Community Church. When the session started it was as first 100% religious based & how we are all sinners. Since Nick did not believe in God or anything after death and I am an agnostic, I was most uncomfortable. We then went into sharing what our losses are. I told them they may want me to leave the group due to my lack of organized religious belief. All of them, including the group facilitator, let me know they wanted me to stay. I really appreciated the support and nonjudgmental attitude.
Even though it will seem strange and is not quite what I had hoped for in a support group I feel it still may be helpful. So, I plan to continue to go and get as much good from it as possible. I need help and even though this isn't what I quite had in mind it may be a step towards healing.
I also am reading books on my own that deal with the grief process. Even though I am doing these things I cannot say I am feeling any better. I seem to cry less. However, the hopelessness and emptiness seem to be a permanent part of me now. Perhaps you just get used to feeling this way and that's what is meant when people tell you "it will get better in time".
I don't see how things will ever really "get Better" as no matter what I do, Nick will still be gone. I feel like I am just doing things to try to fill up the time. However, I am glad I am finally trying out the things that the "experts" say will help (groups counseling, reading).
This seems to be about enough rambling for the night. Thanks for listening, Fred.
Darlene 10/4/2011
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