just going crazy today

I am going so crazy today.  I want to speak with sarah so badly.  I know that i am tired and just stir crazy, but i feel that this is killing me.  She still hasnt said anything to me either text, email, or phone.  I want to just tell her that i am sorry and i am changing.  I feel so bad about all of this.  She has alienated herself from all of her friends, it appears.  i get upset, to sad in the beat of a heart.  I just dont know anymore.  I wish that she could read this stuff, and listen from my heart about all of this.  her parents really do not seem to be giving her any advice about sticking with it at all.  i dont even think they know what she wants, but they are very quick to take my boys away and deny me visitation with them.  I almost feel like just giving them up to her.  Why stay attached to the ones you love, when they are just going to be stripped from you painfully.  I just want to ask her why she is hurting me like this.  Is it to get back at me?  is it because she truly doesnt want me in their lives at all?  Does she even care at all atbout my feelings? has she ever? I am just venting right now  i guess.  I am in so much mental pain right now.  i dont even know where i am going to be in a few months.  i want to begin to speak with her about us.  I truly dont think that this is the end.  I am getting the help that i need, and will continue to do so.  She has ran away from me so many times before, but came back.  even when she filed for divorce the last time.  I do not want this!!!!! WTF is wrong with me today?