Just doing it
Note to self: green smiley for Monday, DONE!
It's so damn dark and rainy here. Waaah. This afternoon I was a vestige of my old self. I couldn't get motivated to tidy up or cook... my usual weekend centering and life-ordering activities. I LOVE to cook but I have really not felt it since Andy died. He was my cooking buddy. Now I buy the food and act like I have no idea what to do with it. Sometimes it spoils in the refrigerator. I bought some goat cheese the other day and I can't find it anywhere! Did the dogs eat it or did I put it in the linen closet or something bizarre? THe house is very chaotic and confusing because (A) there is a big addition project about 80% done (so what's the point of picking up, I ask) and (B) the owner of the house, yours truly, is in a very disconnected place.
Today I heard about two more young men who died. One a 19 year old in Wyoming, of brain tumors. I have followed him on Caringbridge since Andy was diagnosed. What a struggle, what a brave kid. Oh, his poor mom. Then, my eye doctor's son was killed a couple of weeks ago in an ATV accident. God almighty. Such pain. Yes I have written them both about FMO.... for when they are ready.
So I put on a green smiley because in spite of all that chaos, sadness and disinterest, I DID pick up the front hall and I DID empty the dishwasher (least fave chore!) and I DID make a decent dinner for me and Drew. Oh, haha, I DID also bail on a church meeting I felt no energy or interest in. I want to overcome this melancholy, this inertia, but I also want to honor the sadness exhaustion by doing nothing if nothing is the thing to (not) do. It's a little confusing but I think the word 'balance' is useful in sorting things out. There's no road map for this work. If having a hot dinner with my beloved husband helps us to feel close and take good care of each other, it's moving in the right direction.
Now for sleep.
Love, Sarah
It's so damn dark and rainy here. Waaah. This afternoon I was a vestige of my old self. I couldn't get motivated to tidy up or cook... my usual weekend centering and life-ordering activities. I LOVE to cook but I have really not felt it since Andy died. He was my cooking buddy. Now I buy the food and act like I have no idea what to do with it. Sometimes it spoils in the refrigerator. I bought some goat cheese the other day and I can't find it anywhere! Did the dogs eat it or did I put it in the linen closet or something bizarre? THe house is very chaotic and confusing because (A) there is a big addition project about 80% done (so what's the point of picking up, I ask) and (B) the owner of the house, yours truly, is in a very disconnected place.
Today I heard about two more young men who died. One a 19 year old in Wyoming, of brain tumors. I have followed him on Caringbridge since Andy was diagnosed. What a struggle, what a brave kid. Oh, his poor mom. Then, my eye doctor's son was killed a couple of weeks ago in an ATV accident. God almighty. Such pain. Yes I have written them both about FMO.... for when they are ready.
So I put on a green smiley because in spite of all that chaos, sadness and disinterest, I DID pick up the front hall and I DID empty the dishwasher (least fave chore!) and I DID make a decent dinner for me and Drew. Oh, haha, I DID also bail on a church meeting I felt no energy or interest in. I want to overcome this melancholy, this inertia, but I also want to honor the sadness exhaustion by doing nothing if nothing is the thing to (not) do. It's a little confusing but I think the word 'balance' is useful in sorting things out. There's no road map for this work. If having a hot dinner with my beloved husband helps us to feel close and take good care of each other, it's moving in the right direction.
Now for sleep.
Love, Sarah
Replies
Come visit me in Sunny, Warm Arizona. We can go swimming, hiking, and do a zumba class. You just have to share a motorhome with us. The sun does wonders for the spirit.
Bravo on picking up the front hall and emptying the dishwasher (also one of my least favorite chores). And on opting to NOT do something you had no interest in.
I used to want to eat out or order in every single day but for the past year Rick and I love nothing more than cozying up at home with a delicious home-cooked meal. I\'m the new Ms. Holly Homemaker!
Hope you have (had) a good night\'s sleep and are waking to a truly Green Smiley Monday!
CorysMom is right ~ the sun does wonders for your soul ~ come to sunny Nevada too!
Sending love and hugs ~ Debbie
You said it right - there is no road map here. What ever feels good for you at the moment is good for you........there are no rules now. And a hot dinner sounds fabulous!!! Peace be with you ~ Joanna
Sleep well. It sounds like you accomplished a lot today - at least by my standards. I have been fighting exhaustion and am not sure if it is a response to a stressful month or winter blues.
I think at this point in time we just have to do what feels right.
Hugs,
Marlene
Just read this after I sent you a (((hug))) this morning. Feels as if you are doing what you need to and it changes in a nano second, doesn\'t it, sometimes. Not living in the extremes yet finding that middle ground is a comfort even though I might have grown up believing that shades of gray were boring??? Not now... I crave the days that just seem to move along without any huge incident attached to them. Hope you enjoyed your dinner with Drew and that you could sleep. Here\'s to continued walking in the right direction with some peaceful moments along this new path. I\'m walking right alongside you. Much love, Joanie
I know what you are saying ...my kitchen is getting new cabinets countertop etc so somedays I think what is the point I have things in every room! I am thankful though and cannot wait till it is done.
I\'ve never known what to do with food except to eat it. Preparing it is a whole different story...lol. I do however, remember that \"disconnected\" feeling all too well. For me it was music. My son always had his ipod on or was strumming on his guitar. I couldn\'t listen to music for the longest time because it caused such pain. Just go to work was quite an accomplishment. I think just the smallest \"baby steps\" are huge. In time we particiate in life more and that participation becomes active on our parts. You are doing what you can and I think it\'s terrific. Heck a hot meal is quite a feat. Love to you friend. Robin
Sarah, you are doing well. Cherish those hot meals shared with your loving husband and nourish your body as well as your soul. The rest will come in time. Hugs, Linda
I often wondered how things got done at all...I remember teaching and thinking...boy I hope that made a little sense...like I didn\'t even know what i said...this will pass...so just be easy on yourself...low expectations...it will all wait...love and hugs...Karen
I am sorry about that child and having another mother that has to walk the walk we do. Many blessings that she finds her way here.
When our child dies some days I think we just loose hope. Hope for whatever reason; as the pain is so deep-seeded in our womb. Whatever you need to call we are who we are now.
This life I have for me is \"Gods\" plan. I think maybe he thought I cooked enough for 40 ott years everyday and it was time for my husband to start cooking. We are having Chicken Taco\'s from Trader Joe\'s in an iron skillet baked at 325 for 6 minutes. Now I call that a meal! Green Smiley Chaos days, yep gonna have them but we will get through them. Peace out.
We need an edit button in here ugh.
the appearance of a green smiley is an event of joy! even one minute of a green smiley is good...hope yours lasts long and brightens everything.
I understand the cooking part. My son loved to cook we worked in the kitchen alot together. With holidays coming I want to hide. But the grandkids will find me lol. Instead of cleaning I just straighten up it is good enough for me, I have clutter everywhere but I put it in a neat pile :) Now hubby cooks as much or more than I do, I just love that. He is cleaning up in kitchen too ( much love for that man).
Hope you had a good sleep
Hugs Penny
Kudos to you! A few chores accomplished, a dinner had, and doing nothing when nothing is the right thing to do!! Well done! And I agree, Balance, is one of the best words in our vocabulary! Here\'s to finding balance in our lives!! Love, Teri.