Just Depressed

My heart hurts everytime I see Malcolm. All these journals that Ive written about him and you would think I would be ok by now but this is just the beginning of a long road of heart ache. I dont consider us together anymore. He doesnt embody the kind of man that I want in my life. At. All. He doesnt care about being at home and doesnt care about being with me or the kids. Im starting my healing process and would like to just be left alone by him. I still love him so its hard for me not to want to be with him and hug him but I need to move on from this relationship. This is the most major disappointment in my life. I have never been let down so bad by anyone. This is also my first heart break so Im just going through a lot of emotions. He hasnt been as aggressive with the kids which is good or atleast I dont see it I should say. My heart is crying and it hasnt stopped crying for over a year. How can I endure so much pain and suffering and still love the person who causes me such pain?? Why doesnt he care to be with his family?? I have never met anyone who would treat their family and kids the way he treats us. He neglects us and doesnt spend time or anything. When I say he does nothing Im speaking in the literal context of HE DOES NOTHING...we havent gone out to dinner, we haven't taken the boys out, we havent had any real family time for so long, I cant even tell you who this man is. He is such a stranger now I wish I had the man that I first met. Im trying so hard not to cry. I just told him today it would be best if we stay friends because I need to start healing. Whether I am in or out of the house Im just torn and broken inside. He doesnt even care. He hasnt written back as usual. 
 
Had to step back and answer a call from this asshole. Im literally crying and telling him he ruined my fucking life. I called him a rent-a-dad and said he treats all his kids like that. He just spends money and takes them around and twirls his kids around and just throws money at them. He has trained his kids to just be ok with money and clothes. I can't do that to my boys. I love them even if he doesnt show it. My heart breaks for my boys and it breaks in two pieces for me and my pain. He says it doesnt have to be the way that it is and we can work it out but I cant be around him. He just pisses me off. His short comings as a father and as a lover is just sickening. i hate that I have to deal with this pain. Please God, PLEASE, let me rid of this pain and this depression in my heart because of this man. Please take evrything that I ever felt for him and rid me of my misery. I beg you!!! I dont want to remember the love that I had for this piece of shit. I want his heart to ALWAYS be plagued with the happiness of my smile. I also hope he can change his ways so another woman doesnt have to go through the shit I just went through. I wouldnt wish this on my worst enemy. This is the most pain I have ever felt in my life.
Im also still grieving the death of my father. I wish he was still here and I could talk to him more often. I would call everyday just to hear his voice. I look at his pictures from time to time and I love him so much. I wish I wish I wish.
 
Please God I pray that I dont go through anymore love with Malcolm. I want my love for him to stop so I can get ready to live my life happy with someone new. I want to give my love to a deserving man. A family man. I dont care if you are successful or not. Can you keep me and my kids happy??? Can you love me and give me the affection that I need?? Do you know how to properly love someone and can you stay in love?? Please God answer my cries with the man of my dreams...