Just checking in..

Hey everyone.. It's been a while since I've posted a journal so I just thought I'd let everyone know how Jaycie and I are doing. She is starting to get so big. I don't remember time going by this quickly with Nickolus. She'll be a month tomorrow. It seems like it was just yesterday I was sitting here with a huge belly worrying frantically about if she was going to make it until that Monday morning. She's really starting to look like Nickolus more and more each day that passes. I took her to my friend Brandy's house today. She used to babysit Nickolus for me before me and Michael moved in together while I worked and she started crying when she was holding her because of the resemblences that are coming on so strongly now. She's so damn cute too. She's already smiling, and making little noises. She's not really "cooing" yet but she's defanitly trying to say something. Her eyes are getting lighter and staying blue. They're so beautiful. I love her so much I just wish I could share her with everyone on here because she's such a joy to be around. She's defanitly a spoiled rotten little princess already though. She hates being put down because she's so used to being held and carried everywhere because no one here wants to loose a minute with her. It's so funny when you walk around with her and her eyes get so big like her daddys like she's just so amazed to see all the things in the world. As for me.. I love being a mom again but it's kinda starting to get a little hard for me. The more she takes on Nickolus's features the more I think of him and I feel guilty sometimes because I wish it was him that I was holding. I feel so bad for saying that but I just still miss him so much and with everything in me I want him back. I think I might need to talk to my doctor about getting back on my anti depressants I quit taking when I was pregnant because I just don't want to loose out on Jaycie's life because I'm so obsessed with not having Nickolus and not having the family I want with Michael. Don't get me wrong, Jaycie gives me so much love and so much to be happy for.. it's just sometimes it's so much to handle being a young single mom who lost a child and coping with the choice she made to have another one by herself. I hope everyone else is doing good and if you pray, please keep me and Jaycie in your prayers and hope that I get out my occasional funk. Love you guys.