just checking in
just thought I'd check in with my journal, get some things off my mind. I'm sure that valentine's day is hard for a lot of people that are single, because it sucks to be alone, I feel like it's really hard because I don't think so much about valentine's day, but that it was my long term ex's anniversary.
last year on february 11th, I started cutting because my friends and family spent months breaking us up because she 'wasn't good enough for me.' then they expected me to not be upset because she wasn't good enough, so I should be happy that she's out of my life. I couldn't talk to anyone about my emotions from the break up because no one wanted me to be sad about it, if I mentioned her, they would start to yell at me that she was a terrible person and I'm better off. from november 9th to february 11th, I bottled every single emotion I felt and let everyone think I was happily moving on with my life.
at the start of the weekend before valentine's day, it was especially upsetting to me to have to hear about all the plans that my guy friends were making to spend the day with their significant others when I knew that they had all cheated or attempted to cheat on their girlfriends that they had only had for a year or less, and I had been nothing but honest and loving towards the girl they took from me that I had dated for 4 years prior to that weekend.
this year, I had my hair cut off on the 11th, in memory of a year ago, and because my long hair was something that my ex loved about me. I want to move on, and if I can't do it in my heart, I need to start somewhere. I wanted that small step to be the beginning of something new, a new start to my life. I haven't cut in about 5 months, I haven't purged in maybe 7 months, I haven't hit in about a month and a half, and I haven't fasted for about 3 months. I'm doing good with the real world part, which is good, but in my head I'm still not there. I still have urges, and I feel like I'm always going to have urges because it's happened before. I still get depressed, I still think about killing myself, I still have crippling fatigue to the point that I can't function through my day to day routine very well. But I'm doing better than last year, and that's something to look forward to.
last year on february 11th, I started cutting because my friends and family spent months breaking us up because she 'wasn't good enough for me.' then they expected me to not be upset because she wasn't good enough, so I should be happy that she's out of my life. I couldn't talk to anyone about my emotions from the break up because no one wanted me to be sad about it, if I mentioned her, they would start to yell at me that she was a terrible person and I'm better off. from november 9th to february 11th, I bottled every single emotion I felt and let everyone think I was happily moving on with my life.
at the start of the weekend before valentine's day, it was especially upsetting to me to have to hear about all the plans that my guy friends were making to spend the day with their significant others when I knew that they had all cheated or attempted to cheat on their girlfriends that they had only had for a year or less, and I had been nothing but honest and loving towards the girl they took from me that I had dated for 4 years prior to that weekend.
this year, I had my hair cut off on the 11th, in memory of a year ago, and because my long hair was something that my ex loved about me. I want to move on, and if I can't do it in my heart, I need to start somewhere. I wanted that small step to be the beginning of something new, a new start to my life. I haven't cut in about 5 months, I haven't purged in maybe 7 months, I haven't hit in about a month and a half, and I haven't fasted for about 3 months. I'm doing good with the real world part, which is good, but in my head I'm still not there. I still have urges, and I feel like I'm always going to have urges because it's happened before. I still get depressed, I still think about killing myself, I still have crippling fatigue to the point that I can't function through my day to day routine very well. But I'm doing better than last year, and that's something to look forward to.
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