Just can't get out of this funk...

I dont' know what's going on, but I just can't stop crying, again mostly at night.  But I just don't want to do anything or go any where.  And of course the family isn't getting it...  
As a matter of fact, today, one of my sister in laws asked me to help her help plan my parents 50th Wedding Anniversary in Oct.  I know it's a special time and at first they didn't want to have anything to do with a party. So for the last few months I was talking everyone out of a party. Now my folks decided it's a good idea.  So my 3 step brothers in OK and all their families are coming, my brother in Houston and his family, brother who lives in Poplar Bluff Mo, and brother and sister and their families that live near us are also planning on attending.  
The problem is, I'm still ANGRY, none of them even came to my sons memorial service, 4 of the 6 never even called me, none even sent cards or plants...  I know it's about my Mom and Dad, but remember they also will not come to my house any more, because they're afraid I have Greg's ashes here.  None of them have even asked me how Im doing, only time someone asked was my baby brother about a week after Greg passed. and all insist it's time to move on and it's not what Greg would want.  What the (^%(&^$($ do they know what he'd want, none of them even wanted to have anything to do with him the last 3 years of his life.  That HURTS more than anything, knowing that he passed thinking no one loved him but his Mom.
 
WHY can't I move on?  Why am I still so mad at them all?   We use to be so CLOSE, but then again I was the glue, the fun one, but it hurts to much to pretend I'm happy, cause I hurt and miss Greg so MUCH...
 
Thanks for listening, 

Replies

NoraMc
NoraMc

I would be angry.... but I also have family problems,, I have been very down lately,,, maybe the time of year ,, not sure,, so many things going on....
BinkyH
BinkyH

I feel and hear your pain. For me, distancing myself from my uncaring family is what worked for me. I have learned to live with what used to be envy at others who have supportive families. I just ignore my family and do whatever I have to do. I do not let them make me feel like I should do more for them when they were not there for me. Perhaps you just need to take a LONG break from your family and focus on yourself. If your heart is not into this anniversary party, that just don\'t do it and the hell with how they feel. My family didn\'t help me with one dime when my son died and I had $300.00 to my name. And I come from a HUGE family. Even my own mother didn\'t offer me a dime to help. I am no longer angry but I think I did it by just distancing myself and focusing on myself and the death of my son and my own healing. And not allowing those steps to be hindered by my uncaring family. Whatever works for you is the best, but my suggestion is to take a breather and don\'t even bother with the anniversary if it only brings up resentment for you. The heck with them! For real??? They won\'t visit due to your son\'s ashes being with you??? Take a deep breathe, focus on yourself and Greg and do not let them put you into a funk that you are trying desperately to get out of! Peace to you.
sunsetstormx
sunsetstormx

Non stop crying is normal for all of us. Everyone grieves differently. Some don\'t cry at all. But crying is a healing thing. It is good to let out your feelings. For some it is delayed. For some it is less emotion. We\'re all different. I tend to go \"into\" the pain to get \"through\" it. I can\'t go around it or avoid it. It\'s just not my personality. There is nothing wrong with setting space between you and your family too. Boundaries are important if the person is making it harder for you to grieve. Grief takes a strong woman to do girl!!!! It is NOT weak to cry, to mourn, to rest, to hide. It is all important and part of this awful difficult journey.
babiboismom
babiboismom

I can relate to having strained family relationships. I used to do everything they asked me to, even when I didn\'t want to. I thought i was being a good daughter....a good sister.

When I lost my sons....just 1 month apart of course I was in shock. At 1st I didn\'t notice that family was not coming around, didn\'t notice they were not helping. About 6 months later tho it hit me like a ton of bricks they were not there for me at all, i was hurt. My mom called 1 day & I thought maybe she was reaching out to me. But she called to talk about one of my sisters. I couldn\'t stand it......so I told her I was surprised she hadn\'t been in touch with me. She said \"well I thought if you needed anything you would call\".

I had some choices.... Overlook the facts & act like everything was all right.
Or I could let my anger out with screaming & tears. But I knew my mom, she would say I was disrespectful & she would just justify her actions further.
However what I chose to do is distance myself. I only talk to family occasionally. It\'s been the best thing for me, I feel comfortable with my decision.

You\'ll know whats best for you when you feel peace with your decision.
Whatever you decide will be the right thing for you.
Sending lots of love.....Vicki
sunsetstormx
sunsetstormx

DON\"T PRETEND................it\'s like holding in poison girl..
connilla
connilla

We need to cry because that helps us heal. Most people who do not release their emotions have a harder time in the long run....you just be you and don\'t apologize for it. Love, Connie
Jasons1mom
Jasons1mom

If there is ever a time in our lives that we deserve to be focussed on our own health and sanity it is after the death of a child. I am so sorry that your family has not provided the support that you have a right to receive. However, I see their inability to be there for you as there issue - not yours. I too have been absolutely shocked and stunned by some people in my life\'s choices with the death of my son. One of my best friends for over 20 years was with her husband on a cruise off Florida when my son died. I got word to her via email and she said that she would contact me as soon as they got home. That was 4 months ago. I have not heard word one from her. As much as it hurts and is inconceivable that our family and friends wouldn\'t rally around us in our ultimate hour of need, it is what it is. I am attempting to come to terms with my feelings of being abandoned by both family and friends and am learning to focus on those few that are sticking by me now that things are really ugly.
We may never understand how family and friends can justify abandoning us but that is for another time. Now is focussing on us.
Perhaps explaining to your parents that as much as you love them you will not be celebrating their 50th anniversary with them. That you are not strong enough right now to pull that off. If they understand and support you then it\'ll be ok but regardless, you have every right to speak up for yourself.
I am so sorry for the added drama when you need it the least.
hugs
Merrilee
RememberKala
RememberKala

You have to come first....have to be a priority. And honestly, sadly, only YOU can make that happen. If you can\'t be a part of the planning now, don\'t....just tell them right now you\'re not able to help and leave it at that. If they question you, tell them you\'re doing the best you can. If that\'s not good enough, too bad. I would not say now whether or not you\'ll attend the celebration.....who knows what you\'ll feel like doing when the time comes. Don\'t commit, just leave it open. If they can\'t accept that....too bad.

The truth is we really can\'t rely on anyone else....we have to take care of ourselves. It\'s lonely and it\'s hard and it\'s SO unfair....but I\'ve come to realize this is the way of it. And I have a loving and supportive family!! But the bottom line is \"I\" have to tend to my own needs when it comes to my healing and learning to live with Kala as she is now.

I wish you peace and healing and strength and rest~~
julieneal77
julieneal77

Thank you all, it\'s nice to know I\'m not the only one with family issues. My poor husband doesn\'t have a clue either, he doesn\'t have any kids and Greg was 20 when we married, but he has been my support and besides you all, don\'t care what my family thinks, no more pretending I\'m OK and am going to start putting me first. I even called my sis in law and told her I wasn\'t into helping her, I would gladly give her money and at this time can\'t even commit to if I was even going or not. LOVE THIS GROUP, I know I\'m not on all the time and for that I\'m sorry, I so wish I could go on the retreat but PLAN on going next year, hope to meet each and every one of you at some time just to give and get a HUG back.
daj1974
daj1974

WOW! I would be VERY upset too!! I am so sorry you are having to go through this!!
Love to you, and your boys!!
Debi
Livingjuicy
Livingjuicy

Take care of YOU and you cannot care take everyone else and their feelings. Yours are the only ones that matter now and must be treated very gently.

You are grieving the worst loss of a lifetime and there are no goals and or timelines. You are where you need to be for today and healing is happening even on those days you doubt that it could be... It is... Somehow each of learns in our own way how to live with this loss. You are not alone.

I\'m so sorry that you do not feel supported in the way that you need to be. Stay close and we are here for you.

Love and healing hugs,
XO Joanie