Just can't believe it!

So it is the 11th day of the month(I loss our son, Hunter, on Nov 11th)and all of the memories of that day seem to have come back to the surface again. I still can not believe that there was nothing that I could do to save our son. It was as if I had no control over my body or anything that was about the happen to our boy. None of this is fair! In addition to the emotional burden of this loss I am dealing with I am also experiencing the physical burden. I have not stopped bleeding since I had my son on November 11. I underwent emergency surgery on December 22th, because I had retained a part of Hunter's placenta and they were scared I was going to get an infection. They thought that may have been why my body was not healing properly, however even after the surgery my body has not stopped bleeding and I am still testing positive for the pregnancy hormone. So, it is off to the doctor today once again for yet another ultrasound to see how my endometrial wall looks. Can't wait to hear what they have to say about why I am still experiencing this bleeding. After the ultrasound it is to a high risk doctor next week and also in for another blood test to recheck my pregnancy hormone. Every morning when I go to the washroom..I am reminded that I am no longer pregnant! I feel like I am never going to be back to normal(Whatever normal means anymore!). I try not to cry in front of anyone anymore because everyone thinks that I should be "Better" and moving on with life. My baby shower was set to take place this Sunday and that has me just an emotional wreck. My husband and I are going to get out of town for the weekend, hoping that will kind of take my mind off of this horrible nightmare a little bit...However, just seems like whatever I do or where ever I go I still just can not seem to stop my mind from thinking about the loss of my son. I don't know..I just feel lost!