just came from a volunteer event
I just came from a volunteer event that my father, stepmother and I all
participated in. This is the second time we've done it together - the third
or fourth time that I've been.
It was really good. I have to say for myself at the outset of the event
I was starting to feel some intense darkness within me. I don't know why
but it bloomed into a kind of suspicion and rage and like a headache. I caught myself
and just said to myself 'lighten up!" - relax! I have to say the thoughts after
that came through my head to pull myself together were on the fact that we were
all doing team work and that I have a mental illness it gave me some perspective.
I just have to chock the dark feelings up to that. Eventually I started to think about that it's kind of
good for the soul to subjugate the self to a cause at times. I thought about the monastery
and how I love it there for probably the similar reasons.
My headache though increased a great deal and after my station at the event was empty
I took a walk to try and calm myself down...and then gratefully I finally came home. Thank god!
I made myself a plate of vegetable dumplings with dipping sauce and now I think
I may go over to the Trader Joe's to pick up treats.
The anger and the rage and headache that I felt started to mix with family type dynamics
that are unavoidably big issues all the time.
But as I drove home I said to myself "This is the weekend, this is my weekend!!!" "better to let
go and get back to doing what I like and what is good for me" ...like eating a good lunch
and focusing on this journal to assess my personal vantage which calms me down....
rather than focus on issues that are about a sense of righteous indignation - I am going
to focus on this issues that are germaine to me and my perspective. Writing it out. Being good to my therapist
by not contacting her over the weekend. Taking care of Blue and my trajectory in the day
and in life. Things
will be good. I'll take a little walk. I cuddle with Blue. Peace.
Replies
Owning our “warts” or mental illness is a good realistic way to maneuver those difficult moments. As your friend, however, it’s important to remember we are never simply our illness and there’s more to us than that. Balancing perspective on all of that has been a big part of my own personal journey of feeling self-worth. Healthy self-worth. Graceful self-worth. All a big journey and we are all in it together.
Hugsies to you and Blue-Blue.
thanks Nikki!
Nikki is absolutely right that you're much more than your mental illness. What can be frustrating is when our mental illness attempts to dictate what we can/cannot do. It sounds like the rage, darkness, and headaches were trying to ruin your day. Kudos to you for pushing through. I hope you feel better soon! Hugs.
thanks judy. I still have a smashing headache. I'll try to lighten up