So, another week is gone and another on the way....  I just feel like I go through the motions.  I breathe, but don't live.  I used to look forward to things.  A lot.  Now, I try to look forward to things.  I try to get excited, but just can't quite seem to reach it.  It has been twenty months since I lost Scott.  The ache is still, sometimes, almost more than I can bear.  I wonder will it always hurt this way?  When I think of Scott I can often laugh.  But, when I think of Scott not here, I can barely stand it.   And, I am jealous.  I don't even hate it that I am.  I just am.  I see and talk to many of Scott's friends.  They are getting married, having babies, graduating college, getting on with their lives.  It is not that I begrudge them of that.  I am just jealous that they are and Scott is not.  Scott had many problems.  It was always my hope that he would mature and get tired of some of the not so great aspects of his life.  In fact, I am sure he would have.  He was on his way to that when he died.  We had talked about it.  And then, POOF!  He was gone, never to have the experiences his friends are having, realize his own dreams, or even really figure out what his dreams were.  He is forever twenty-one! I just hate this!