JUST ANOTHER WEEK!
So, another week is gone and another on the way.... I just feel like I go through the motions. I breathe, but don't live. I used to look forward to things. A lot. Now, I try to look forward to things. I try to get excited, but just can't quite seem to reach it. It has been twenty months since I lost Scott. The ache is still, sometimes, almost more than I can bear. I wonder will it always hurt this way? When I think of Scott I can often laugh. But, when I think of Scott not here, I can barely stand it. And, I am jealous. I don't even hate it that I am. I just am. I see and talk to many of Scott's friends. They are getting married, having babies, graduating college, getting on with their lives. It is not that I begrudge them of that. I am just jealous that they are and Scott is not. Scott had many problems. It was always my hope that he would mature and get tired of some of the not so great aspects of his life. In fact, I am sure he would have. He was on his way to that when he died. We had talked about it. And then, POOF! He was gone, never to have the experiences his friends are having, realize his own dreams, or even really figure out what his dreams were. He is forever twenty-one! I just hate this!
Replies
I know. I go through the motions as well. Wow, 22 months and you still feel this way and I am on week 13. I have a long journey ahead. My heart is with you, friend. Love, Belind
i feel the same...i just cant get excited and i dont have any energy left...i just go day to day and try to stay focused...and that is a chore in itself..walking beside ya and here for ya....hugging u tight...take care of u...luv ya
P>S>....i hate all of this also...its so unfair
yes, i know what you are feeling. just going thru the motions too. hugs.
I find that sometimes I am existing, but other times I am living. So, I think of that as a move onward. I do believe that we will always grieve. I do hope that over the many years that we continue to exist that we find ways to truly live. I live in hope that this will happen...for me and for all of us here. Ginger I hope that this week you will find yourself living not existing...even if for just a little while. Love to you...Karen
Yes just taking one day at a time & not going anywere.
I feel the same, I don\'t even have the energy to even think, my mind is blank, I can\'t even put words together, I feel like I\'m lost for words...I don\'t know, this time of year its hard for me b/c of winter drearey months.. I can\'t wait for spring, yuk.. I want to plant flowers so I can feel alive again.. I can\'t keep going on like this..Its normal for us mothers to feel this way, I just want this feeling of pain to go away, its not healthy for me anyway...I hope we all get better..one day at a time is just doing something to lift our spirits...Love, Kelly
I have to echo what the others have said... I feel and see myself living but it\'s just not the same as it was \"before\" and it makes me sad. I want to just be the family that we were before and not have this empty feeling anymore. Sending you hugs and love.
How well I know. It is the mask we have to wear for the rest of the world. I had to go to a combo Baptism/Birthday for my sis\'s grandbabies. she died on 1/24/09--It was like, she should be here, and yet, there I was ...with her children, grandbabies, and great-grands. And yet, I will never hold a grandbaby of my own. It doesn\'t make any sense at all.
Recently, one of my son\'s best friends, who has always been son#2 to me got married, and it should have been my son (he was engaged when he died) Son #2 wanted me to dance the mother/son dance with me. We have been that close since he was about 11 yrs old. How could that not tear my heart out?? Yes, I am jealous, too! I think that is the way it will be for us Moms,...truly sucks, doesn\'t it? I am with you, Hon, and hugging you tight! Love, Judy
How can we not be jealous of people who have their kids when we do not? I was fourtunate enough that each of my sons and my step daughter left 2 kids each. We will never be who we were before. I never realized what a carefree life I had till I lost so much. Now I forget for a while sometimes, but always it comes back to the loss, darkness and grief. I guess the tears will always come when we think or remember or are reminded by a sound , a song or a smell. I know I hurt, I hurt bad. I just try to keep on for the ones I love that are still here, and I know I should be more thankful for them than I am, but when your heart is broken it is just haed. Love,Peggy
i know the feeling of lose of hating what the day brings , and doesn\'t bring. i miss the boys more and more each day it seems. the lose will always be there for us no matter how long it is before we join our children. for me, it\'s working on the house that would have been my son\'s when we were gone. i used to be soooo excited about it. now ,at times i wonder how I\'ll ever live in it!i know he would want me to, but i know his children will never run through the rooms and laugh and play! so i know the feeling of being jealous of other people and their children! i don\'t see my son\'s friends much now, it\'s like he\'s gone and there is no reason to stay in contact with us. i hate thinking that they have forgotten him. that\'s my worse fear! is he will be forgotten by the people that were in his life!i know his wife doesn\'t have anything to do with any of us . nor does she ever go to the cemetery! so , seeing that is almost worse than knowing he\'d never be married! but i know the feeling of knowing he\'ll never hold a child of his own , which was one of the things he wanted most in his life! we\'ll be the comfort to each other here and help each other get through this , together! hugs,
doris
It\'s funny I feel that way too. I found that it goes both ways though. When I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I also found I could not summon up any great fear either so I suppose there is a good side to even this. Still trying. Love and hugs Cathy
sometimes I feel that I am taking one step forward and two steps back. What a awfull long journey we have all been forced to take. Thank goodness we do not have it take it alone.
The new life is just awful. Even when I laugh I still feel the pain. Yes I am jealous, when I see Luchan\'s friends get drivers licenses, see them achieve at school, see mums and daughters hanging out, see other family whole and happy and complete...It makes me realise how many opportunities she and we are missing out in this life.We are thrown to a life path that neighter of us even dreamed of, so cruel so unfair. love and hugs Robyn