Just Another Day

Still stressed about my life.  I have a call into Arvilla so maybe I get more anxiety meds.  It's come to that because of all the horror that's going on in the world.  Terrible!  We are certainly in the end of days.  I know not everyone subscribe to the same religion.  Some aren't into relgion at all.  I'm not into "religion" but I follow the Christian faith.  Churchaes have become to corupted.  That's why I stopped going.  There were some things they would say that I just couldn't wrap my head around like how they think homo sexuality is a choice.  Some people are born that way.  It shouldn't be viewed as some sort of crime.

My life has been rough and goes back to when I was child.  We move to a house in the country located on the outskirts of this small, awful town.  It just before my 2nd birhday when this happened.  At age 6 I entered the 1st grade at school in this crummy, podunk town.  I was very lonely at home because there were rarely and children around to play with.  I didn't want to play with 3 yr old brother.  I get to school and I'm immediately bullied.  One kid would threaten to kill me.  When I told the teacher's aide, she would just laugh at me and do nothing.  On a rare occassion a teacher or staff member would intervene.  The bullying went on all through school.  I came out very damaged but didn't realize how much until later.  Early in my teens my mom became a severe alcholic.  Her and dad would fight every night.  She refused to do anything anymore.  She wouldn't cook, clean or do any of things moms would usually do.  She would go grocery shopping so she could get wine for herself.  After awhile,  I started taking care of the house so dad wouldn't yell about the house being messy.  I was trying to get some peace in our family.  It worked a little.

 bad stuff happened after that but that's a long story.

The damage has been done and I'm very worn out.  I'm on meds. and tried counseling more than once.  Living in this toxic environment is very bad for me.  I would like to get out but housing is extremely expensive.  It's like the world trying crush people like me by making help so difficult to get.  Sometimes what's available isn't enough.

All I can do is to live in fear and misery while I keep trying for something better