just an update sunday oct 24,2010

well, i just got out of shower,finnally washed hair. i used some better hair dye this time so it doesnt come out on the towel and clothes as bad. that stuff i used lasrt time, im lucky my hair didnt all fall out. just took my xanex for the first time today, also the pashion flower. wish the p.f. wasnt so expensive. i thenk it realy helps me not have to take so many of my other meds and xanex. i do feel better today finnally. want to go out, but then again i dont. this is a good time for me to get on here. at leaste im not so shacky. need t try breathing exersises when im not in a panic, but havnt yet. i have so much to do around here, i am so oaverwelmed. dont know where to start. my add is kicking realy bad today. have to go clean bathroom. this room is discusting. i burned some insence, the whole house smells so bad od stail ciggerettes, trying candles, insence etc... noghting works. cant realy open many windows because of allergies, so what ya ganna do? i vsnt erven think of quiting smoking, cant imagine how much weight i would gain then. think i might have lost a few lbs, but have had no exersise in way too long. its going to be hard to start back up. havent left house in 2 days, then just to get food, then back home. i think wene it starts to cool off i will maybe want to get out moore. oh the hot flashes, oh the agony. got on menapause site earlier, made me feel not so alone. its a constant struggle for my sanity, sometimes, alot, people think oh she is just crazy and doesnt know what shes saying, that is very frustraiting.its hard to fight back when no one will take you seriuosly. my son has that attitude alot. he is the one who sees me the most and all my ramblings, so he has a point, but it still hurts me very nuch. i told him that the other day. trying to get it threw his head that im not wrong all the time and i have lived threw alot and i do know how he could make things easier, but ibve givven up on that. might as well be talking to myself, which i do anyway. i am so alone. people my family are allways trying to get me to go places, its just so hard for me, and then i just want to go back home. have a family function next saturday, and im allready nervouis, and its my family who i love and they are nothing but good and understanding to me, couldnt ask for a better support group, i just dont know what is wrong somethimes. ok, racing thoughts, should get off here for a while of ill be writing all day moore later.....