just an emotional day today

Today was just awful.  i couldnt focus on anything.  i am so scared lately.  Losing my wife and kids hurts the worst.  Still cannot find a job to save my life.  I need one NOW.  I was texting sarah back and forth today a bit via her moms cell phone.  I feel like such an ass.  i am trying to explain to her that i do not want to text or email, because either the true emotion cannot be felt,  or the wrong emotion is detected.  I do not want to hurt sarah anymore.  I am sick and tired of doing that.  I truly am doing a lot better with me lately.  I think today was just a boiling over moment again.  I am dealing with a lot at once.  I still do not want this divorce one bit.  I truly think that if sarah spoke with me, and saw me for who i am becoming, she would want to work it out too.  I know that she is hurt and upset now.  I just feel so miserable about it still.  I keep telling myself, I DID THIS... and its true.  Sarah does not even know this website exists, which is good.  I do not want her to read this and think that i am trying to 'win' her back.  I am writing all this down so that i can admit to the world that i messed up.  With knowing the truth, i can start down the path of healing myself to better myself.  I feel better about myself still.  I just keep thinking over and over again about how i used to be, and i find myself hating it.  I really was truly an asshole.  I never was home and chose stupid things over this marriage.  I am now here for them forever now, and it is too late.  I am still praying to god above that over time, all wounds will be healed and sarah and i can be one again.  her and my boys are the three best things god has ever placed into my life.  I thank god everday for her and those boys.  I pray also that she can begin to forgive, as i have begun to forgive myself.