just a set of comments from today
When I spoke to my Dad last he encouraged me strongly to be more social.
It kind of made me think that I have to be kind of artificial because naturally I like to be just one on one and intensely caring for my friends - I have very few friends but they are all very close and caring.
I went to be with my sister and brother and cousin today for the Hare Krishna Festival in Venice Beach. I was a nervous wreck for most of it -splintered too - I just felt intensely that I need to be just so.. I love them but I can't relax and don't have much to add to the conversation. I am not high powered or high talented - they talk about business deals and friends and I don't talk about people like that.
I finally just came to a somewhat awkward acceptance of that, that I am different and troubled and I just left them and traveled home.
On the way home I was confronted by my illness - and thought of how wrong and ill I must be -
but then thought of something that I suspected lately - that we all have a perspective and so there's not really a truth - because there are varying talents and perspectives (points of view) I thought maybe the accepted truth is what is dictated by the person in power. Or could be seen as well as a generally accepted set of principles.
I am just different and have to accept that every day - iface it - it's tough - rather than just contort to try and fit a situation which I know does not help the situation of socializing anyways (from my experience.)
I think I may call to make an earlier appointment with Dr. Scotten. I don't know where I belong - and part of me is thinking to go to the monastery again where a friend lives. Just for some time away.
Peace and Thanks,
Mark
Replies
I think sometimes I can get so much into a perspective that my opinion or outlook has to dominate. Not intentionally but because I think I might perceive that I have to contort so much to be acceptable - and that turns into an egocentric kind of state. I don't know. I just wish I were blessed with health. :)
I'm not social at all. In fact, I have social anxiety, so I don't go to church or places where there are a lot of people around. I don't have anything to say. I just sit there like a lump and look stupid. I do have a wonderful family and a couple close friends that I do things with and that makes me happy. I no longer try to force social events on myself. If I don't want to go, I don't. What I'm trying to say is that maybe you just are one of those quiet people who likes just to have a few close friends and that's okay. In my opinion, anyway.
thanks becky!!