just a bunch of impressions, uncomfortable to write

I had a great meeting with my therapist yesterday.

I talked to her about my trip to my friend's monastery, this year, in March.

I am going for the longest time I have yet to spend there. 3 weeks. The aim

of which is to see if I would like to stay there and live in community with them

or at least nearby in an apartment...and be a part of the community surrounding them.

I had a lot of worries about life that I expressed in our meeting yesterday.

One, my feeling, or worry, that I was not meeting familial expectation. This may seem

a tangent but it really adds to the mix of things I am trying to express.

I also touched on if I were to go to the monastery and then choose NOT to stay (the

anticipation of me going there has really built up since me and the Abbess text

nearly daily) I am afraid of hurting my friend's feelings.

My doctor said to me...."your job is not to live anyone else's dream but your own."

She said "whoever is putting this pressure on you is not going to have their dream

fulfilled....You are going to fulfill your own dream."

She also said in terms of the Abbess' feelings "this is not about the Abbess' feelings.

This trip, my job is to just pay attention to how I react and feel about the time with them."

She said again "Just pay attention...your job, just, is to pay attention" It was really great inspiration.

She set my sense of expectation as well in that folks who live at a monastery are really a specific

kind of a person. Out of all the people in the world there are very, very few who live at a monastery

and those who do, 'are really made for it.'

Today I went to work and work went very well. I find myself combining recent thoughts

I've been exploring about, the framing of my own frustrations and challenges, in the

understanding that "we're all managing our energies and coping with our emotional lives", "we're all

on a journey with these things in our lives",

all of us, every day. It truly helps me calm down from any escalation (from following my mood)

and just makes me think about my choices that are in front of me that I am making to cope with it.

I know I've expressed recently it in supporting efforts with Cipherone.

And coming on here and journaling is really an essential

practice that helps me put things in writing, to understand things and discuss them with you guys.

It's one way I deal and no judgements and it's all ok and part of normality. Everybody has their way or modality of coping and processing.

So thinking about those two ideas - one "pay attention to how I am reacting" and two

"grounding myself by recognizing that we're all dealing with our moods, stamina etc..everyday"

gives me some distance or perspective and are both really helping me just have insight into my own life - They're showing me that indeed

I have agency over what I choose to do with myself when working, what's important to me and where I am deciding to work and live.....

as well as how I deal with myself when home on my own....with Blue. This was a hard journal to write.

Each time I approached it the 'knowing it was good' and the 'writing of it seemed verboten.'

I hope you guys are doing ok. Have a good night's rest and sending big hugs and good wishes.

peace,

Mark