Just....A Bit Overwhelmed I Guess
Life just refuses to get any easier. I know that nothing worth anything is easy, but, I mean, seriously??? I don't believe in God, I don't believe in Buddha, I don't believe in a giant teddy graham bear that rules the clouds....but sometimes I wish I did so I could blame all the crap in my life on whomever is supossed to run the circus.
It just seems like I can't keep my thumb on anything. I'm a control freak, I'll admit it....not insane, but I can get pretty intense. I like to keep an eye on my mega messed family and try to head off any trouble. Joey says that I invest too much emotionally into my family. But he was raised on the other end of the spectrum and I doubt he has any idea how I feel.
My oldest sister is in jail. Old hat. She got my brutally honest letter. Also old hat. She appears to have decided that she will act like she never got it. Major piss off. She has two years to think about changing her mind though.
My mother is just keeps falling farther and farther into financial dispair. She is 53 and has NOTHING monetary in life. She lives in a hole, overrun with ants, with holes in the walls and tears in the screens. No one should have to live like that, ecspecially in Canada, where the people on welfare live better then my mum!! She barely pays her bills, and what money she has left over....exactly 35 bucks this months, my neice steals!
My neices, my oldest sisters kids. I am so distraught over that too! The oldest is 16 next month. She seemed adjusted, living with her dad, she had friends, her grades weren't fantastic but she was passing, and she had a firm grasp on who she was. I found out last week that she is cutting herself(I did this as a teen too) and that she is smoking massive amounts of pot and has started to pop E and snort crack. And her f*cking father refuses to admit that there is ANYTHING wrong with her. He thinks its a 'phase' that she will outgrow. "Hey asshole, you don't outgrow coke and self mutilation!" And the younger one, who is 14 in two months, is currently being charged with assault. She smokes pot and drinks as often as she can, and she smokes almost a pack a day of cigs. She has a part time job but I doubt she can hold onto that long. She treats my mum like trash, swearing, calling her names...she actually spit on her once. I'm ashamed to admit it but I cracked her across the face when she did that. It was reaction and I regretted it. But I slapped her hard enough to leave a mark. She threatened to call the cops....but she didn't and nothing came of it. Now she is in court for assault herself, and I hope she goes to jail...I do...but she won't. Canada has pathetic laws that deal with juvenile offenders. The worst part....she jumped an 18 year old girl with FASD.
And my younger sister got shit canned. So both her and her dead beat abusive boy friend are jobless. And we mentioned we were looking into a new-used car and now they want one and have convinced his mom to get them a loan to buy one that they will 'pay back'. With what money?! And who is paying insurance?? So she wants to buy this 15 000 pimped out cobalt. A 2009. We have been looking for awhile, and we want an SUV, but preferably something around 2007. And that's about 20 000. With insurance we could afford it by the skin of our teeth, so we are keeping a lookout for something cheap and good. If we, who take in about 3000 a month, could barely afford 20 000, how could two jobless people afford 15 000? And I know, live and let learn, but I'm terrified to watch my little sister make this terrible mistake!
Plus my brother is driving me to the nut joint! I watch his two girls, twice a week, nine hour days, for 50 a week. I agreed to take them on, instead of two other kids who I could make more money off of, to help out my brother and sis in law. Well, they fell behind on payments, three weeks behind...and I hated to be a wench, but I told them I needed to be paid. My other kid's mom got fired so they are currentley my only source of income until I can get another kid. So now they are dodging me. I watched the girls Tues and Fri. And this past Tues I text my brother at ten at night to ask what time he was dropping the kids off and he text back that he wasn't bringing them. Fine. But why can't he let me know this? If I hadn't contacted him I would of gotten up at 630am and sat there waiting for them. It pisses me off that they are attempting to rip me off. If they asked me if maybe they could pay an extra 25 a week until they are caught up or something like that I would be fine. Or even if they would talk to me about it. My brother already owes me over 1000...but I'm not a person to hold money over your head, so I have let that basically go. And now, 150 bucks is going to keep him at bay??
And I miss my cat! I signed up for a summer boot camp to try and loose some weight and to get out of the house. And when we went to the lady's house to do measurements she had kittens. Fresh kittens. And I almost started bawling. She offered me one but Joey said no more cats. He was quite firm about it.
And Marlow has been tough at night lately. I barely get any sleep. She wants to eat numerous times. She wakes up crying every hour. She has gotten into the habit of wanting to lay with me on the couch in the middle of the night, becuase stupidly, I did that many times because it was better then Joey yelling at me about making her stop crying. So I get maybe three hours of sleep a night.
I have no energy. I actually find myself wanting to shop, and buy useless sensless things to make myself feel better. I grew up dirt poor..we were homeless at one time. Why the hell do I crave retail therapy? It's been rainy so I can't leave the house with Marlow because I don't drive. That's another thing! My heart was checked out and it seems to be doing better and the doc mentioned hesitantly that I could probably get my license now. And Joey has not stopped harping on me to do it. I havent driven really since I got my learners almost nine years ago. I don't like to drive, I don't want to drive. I thought about it long and hard. He knew, when he met me, that I didn't drive. He proposed to me, and I didn't drive. But now to him it seems like the world depends on my getting my license.
The house is messy. I'm stressed to the point of sickness. I got a cold and it won't leave! I'm exhausted. I feel drained. Life just feels like it's gone to hell right now. If I could find a giant teddy graham bear god I would bite his head off.
It just seems like I can't keep my thumb on anything. I'm a control freak, I'll admit it....not insane, but I can get pretty intense. I like to keep an eye on my mega messed family and try to head off any trouble. Joey says that I invest too much emotionally into my family. But he was raised on the other end of the spectrum and I doubt he has any idea how I feel.
My oldest sister is in jail. Old hat. She got my brutally honest letter. Also old hat. She appears to have decided that she will act like she never got it. Major piss off. She has two years to think about changing her mind though.
My mother is just keeps falling farther and farther into financial dispair. She is 53 and has NOTHING monetary in life. She lives in a hole, overrun with ants, with holes in the walls and tears in the screens. No one should have to live like that, ecspecially in Canada, where the people on welfare live better then my mum!! She barely pays her bills, and what money she has left over....exactly 35 bucks this months, my neice steals!
My neices, my oldest sisters kids. I am so distraught over that too! The oldest is 16 next month. She seemed adjusted, living with her dad, she had friends, her grades weren't fantastic but she was passing, and she had a firm grasp on who she was. I found out last week that she is cutting herself(I did this as a teen too) and that she is smoking massive amounts of pot and has started to pop E and snort crack. And her f*cking father refuses to admit that there is ANYTHING wrong with her. He thinks its a 'phase' that she will outgrow. "Hey asshole, you don't outgrow coke and self mutilation!" And the younger one, who is 14 in two months, is currently being charged with assault. She smokes pot and drinks as often as she can, and she smokes almost a pack a day of cigs. She has a part time job but I doubt she can hold onto that long. She treats my mum like trash, swearing, calling her names...she actually spit on her once. I'm ashamed to admit it but I cracked her across the face when she did that. It was reaction and I regretted it. But I slapped her hard enough to leave a mark. She threatened to call the cops....but she didn't and nothing came of it. Now she is in court for assault herself, and I hope she goes to jail...I do...but she won't. Canada has pathetic laws that deal with juvenile offenders. The worst part....she jumped an 18 year old girl with FASD.
And my younger sister got shit canned. So both her and her dead beat abusive boy friend are jobless. And we mentioned we were looking into a new-used car and now they want one and have convinced his mom to get them a loan to buy one that they will 'pay back'. With what money?! And who is paying insurance?? So she wants to buy this 15 000 pimped out cobalt. A 2009. We have been looking for awhile, and we want an SUV, but preferably something around 2007. And that's about 20 000. With insurance we could afford it by the skin of our teeth, so we are keeping a lookout for something cheap and good. If we, who take in about 3000 a month, could barely afford 20 000, how could two jobless people afford 15 000? And I know, live and let learn, but I'm terrified to watch my little sister make this terrible mistake!
Plus my brother is driving me to the nut joint! I watch his two girls, twice a week, nine hour days, for 50 a week. I agreed to take them on, instead of two other kids who I could make more money off of, to help out my brother and sis in law. Well, they fell behind on payments, three weeks behind...and I hated to be a wench, but I told them I needed to be paid. My other kid's mom got fired so they are currentley my only source of income until I can get another kid. So now they are dodging me. I watched the girls Tues and Fri. And this past Tues I text my brother at ten at night to ask what time he was dropping the kids off and he text back that he wasn't bringing them. Fine. But why can't he let me know this? If I hadn't contacted him I would of gotten up at 630am and sat there waiting for them. It pisses me off that they are attempting to rip me off. If they asked me if maybe they could pay an extra 25 a week until they are caught up or something like that I would be fine. Or even if they would talk to me about it. My brother already owes me over 1000...but I'm not a person to hold money over your head, so I have let that basically go. And now, 150 bucks is going to keep him at bay??
And I miss my cat! I signed up for a summer boot camp to try and loose some weight and to get out of the house. And when we went to the lady's house to do measurements she had kittens. Fresh kittens. And I almost started bawling. She offered me one but Joey said no more cats. He was quite firm about it.
And Marlow has been tough at night lately. I barely get any sleep. She wants to eat numerous times. She wakes up crying every hour. She has gotten into the habit of wanting to lay with me on the couch in the middle of the night, becuase stupidly, I did that many times because it was better then Joey yelling at me about making her stop crying. So I get maybe three hours of sleep a night.
I have no energy. I actually find myself wanting to shop, and buy useless sensless things to make myself feel better. I grew up dirt poor..we were homeless at one time. Why the hell do I crave retail therapy? It's been rainy so I can't leave the house with Marlow because I don't drive. That's another thing! My heart was checked out and it seems to be doing better and the doc mentioned hesitantly that I could probably get my license now. And Joey has not stopped harping on me to do it. I havent driven really since I got my learners almost nine years ago. I don't like to drive, I don't want to drive. I thought about it long and hard. He knew, when he met me, that I didn't drive. He proposed to me, and I didn't drive. But now to him it seems like the world depends on my getting my license.
The house is messy. I'm stressed to the point of sickness. I got a cold and it won't leave! I'm exhausted. I feel drained. Life just feels like it's gone to hell right now. If I could find a giant teddy graham bear god I would bite his head off.
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